HAWAIIAN SUNSET: REPRISE
MEL
Another week had passed and September was just getting started. Mel hadn't spoken to Taylor since their last phone conversation, but not for the lack of his trying. She had to admit, she was surprised, and even a little hurt, that he hadn't shown up at the condo yet. She probably would have killed him where he stood, but at least she'd get to see him one last time before she ended his miserable existence.
She sighed as she thought about him. She did miss him. Goddamn, she missed him so much. On more than one occasion, more often than she liked, she considered going home. Going back to him. Taking him in her arms and supporting his therapy, being there for him through his healing process. Holding him and telling him she loved him while they figured out a plan B to an eventual wedding. But then she would stop and think about what he said--about how he actually had the audacity to tell her he couldn't be there for her at that time. She understood that he needed to focus on himself, but goddamn, have a little humanity for her. Care, even a little!
But she was tired. And she was exhausted. And she was spent trying to beg him to love her and be with her and want her--it was like hitting a brick wall over and over. Like he was constantly finding a way out of their relationship. If one didn't know any better...
She tossed her empty pudding container to the side. She'd gotten better about her housekeeping since Nikki had scolded her a couple of weeks ago. Nikki had been right. A sloppy lifestyle just wasn't Mel. She may have been down in the dumps and down on herself, but the least she could do was pick up after herself and wipe a counter once in awhile.
As she flipped channels, Jason Kamealoha, in all his Hawaiian glory, suddenly flashed across her screen. In spite of herself, she backtracked to the channel she'd seen him on and watched a preview for a film he had coming out. Normally she would see he was about to be very busy coming up, but since he'd announced that he was backing out of acting--would he even show up to his own premiere? Or had there already been a premiere? She couldn't keep track of any of this stuff anymore.
Her mind flashed back to her last conversation with Tay and she bit her lip in thought. He had suggested calling Jason. While his reasoning behind it seemed slightly off-kilter, she couldn't help but be tempted by the suggestion. She'd been tempted by it ever since he put it in her mind. It had been two months since she'd seen Jason. Two months since she'd spoken to him. He hadn't attempted to contact her, nor she him. They respected each other's boundaries.
But maybe...maybe boundaries were meant to be crossed.
Mel went for it. He had been her best friend for way too long to be nervous about this. What's the worst he could do, tell her to fuck off? She'd already practically said that to him. If he said it, he owed it to her. She would have taken it because she deserved it. Uggh, here she went, once again over-analyzing something that should be so simple...
She bit the bullet and texted him. "Are you out there?"
And then she held her breath.
She held her breath for an entire sitcom before her text alert went off again. Her heart pounded, as odd as it felt. Almost like a reminder that it was still in her chest. The text read, "Always."
And then she felt herself melting. Like a school girl, she melted. And when she realized she was fawning, she straightened her spine and furrowed her brow. She only fawned because she was desperately lonely and she knew it.
She texted back. "Do you hate me?"
"Never."
"Are we only speaking in measurements of time?"
"Haha."
"Where are you?"
"New Jersey."
"New Jersey? What the hell for?"
"Because I didn't want to stay in New York."
"Why would anyone NOT want to stay in New York? You have business here or something? Are you commuting?"
"Here?"
"What?"
"You said 'you have business here.' Are you in New York?"
Mel stared at her screen for a moment and blinked her eyes. Well, she hadn't really thought this through. Shit, she didn't even think he would text her back. Sighing in defeat, she texted back, "Yes."
"At the condo?"
"Yes."
"For how long?"
"Long enough."
"I'd really like to see you. If that's okay."
She put her phone down and looked around the room. Was she prepared for this? Could she handle it? Seeing Jason would mean--she would have to tell him. She'd have to tell him everything. She'd have to face the reality and bring it all out into the open. Did she want to? Why couldn't she just make it all go away?
"My schedule's open," she texted.
"How about tomorrow?"
Holy shit, that soon? Her heart pounded. He was giving her less than 24 hours to pull herself together. Was this even possible? "Okay. Tomorrow will be fine."
"I've missed you."
A lump caught in her throat. "I've missed you, too."
Good lord, if there was one, grant her the strength to get through this visit alive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
JASON
Getting off the elevator on Mel's floor and heading down the hallway, Jason couldn't seem to wipe the grin off his face. He felt good today. The sun was shining, he was in talks to do his first project from behind the camera, and seeing Mel was simply the icing on the cake. It was kind of crazy how the first time she texts him in two months, she ends up in the same city he was in. It seemed to happen like that often. There were reasons for everything.
However as soon as she opened the door, the grin vanished from his face and he felt a knot form in the pit of his stomach. She looked like death warmed over. Her color was gone, her eyes appeared as if sleep didn't exist in her world--and surely she hadn't lost weight? She couldn't afford to lose any!
She let him in and he stepped in the door, never once taking his eyes off of her. She smiled at him, but it was wrong. It wasn't genuine. There was tension. Something was very, very wrong with this picture. "Did I come at a bad time?" he asked her.
Mel shook her head. "No, it's okay. I wasn't really doing anything anyway. Besides, I knew you were coming anyway, remember?" Suddenly her expression changed and she must have sensed his suspicion because realization washed over her face. "Oh god. You have to excuse the way I look. There was a stomach virus going around in the building a couple weeks ago and I picked it up. I just got over it a few days ago." She laughed sheepishly. "Jesus, I probably look a complete mess."
Jason was relieved when the knot loosened in his stomach. He smiled warmly and shook his head. "You're beautiful, just like you always are."
Mel smiled and rolled her eyes. "Please..."
"You know I don't say things I don't mean."
He was happy to see a little color appear in her cheeks just then and even happier that it was because of something he'd said. "Do you want anything?" she asked him. "Coffee, tea..."
"You don't have to play hostess with me. You know that."
She shrugged nervously. "I know. I just..."
The knot returned to his stomach so suddenly, he never saw it coming. Something was WRONG. "Where's Taylor?"
She tucked some hair behind her ear and walked across the room toward the sofa. Following her, he heard her mumble. "Uh, in Tulsa."
Jason simply chose to nod in response. It was obvious that was her answer and apparently didn't care to elaborate. That was okay, though. He hadn't come there to see Taylor. He came there for her.
Jason watched her gently straighten some magazines on the coffee table when he eyed the clutter that seemed to litter the room. He found it odd and couldn't seem to stop the words from leaving his mouth, "Did I come before you had a chance to clean up?"
Mel glanced up at him, hurt flashing across her eyes. "Um, I said I've been sick, remember? I've only recently gotten a chance to start getting around."
"Oh...right..." He couldn't shake the tension. As he looked around the apartment, everything started coming together and a new horror washed over him. Horror for her, it seemed, and anything that was a horror for her was instantly a horror for him. He looked around at the desk by the panoramic window, crowded with paperwork. Magazines and books on the coffee table, pictures on the walls...throw blankets in the chairs that appeared to have been used on a nearly daily basis. Looking around the room, it dawned on him. "So, uh, Taylor's in Tulsa, huh?"
"Yeah," she nodded, tucking a leg underneath her as she sat in the corner of the sofa.
He chose to stand and he narrowed his eyes at her. "Mel--are you LIVING here?"
Defensively, she hugged a throw pillow close to her chest.
"You ARE living here, aren't you?" He then sat down next to her and grabbed her left hand, his thumb rubbing her empty ring finger. "What the hell happened?"
At that moment she burst into tears. "He doesn't want to marry me."
Jason was instantly livid. Murderous was a better word. "What are you talking about?"
She shook her head and wiped her eyes. "I don't know. He, like, literally woke up one morning and was like, 'I can't do this,' and then we ended the engagement and it's...it's over!" She bawled fresh tears for a few seconds before she attempted to put herself back together. Ironically, something she had been attempting to do in the entire time he knew her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to unload on you like this. It's just--I haven't talked about this with anyone."
"How long ago did it happen?" he asked softly.
"Two months ago. Almost," was her meek response.
Jason gaped back at her. "Two MONTHS? You've gone two months without speaking to anyone? What about me? Why didn't you tell me? Mel, that's not healthy."
"I didn't want to put this burden on you, with things going--like they are for you and all. You don't need all my constant drama and problems dragging you down. It's not fair."
"No. What's not fair is...this...whole situation here. You ALWAYS come to me when you need someone. Always. You know that."
She nodded loosely. "I know."
"So, what, it was just like that? That fast?"
"No." Bit by bit she attempted to calm herself. "I mean, yes, he literally woke up and those were the first words out of his mouth. I was touring with him. And I bought his wedding ring the previous day. And the night before was so romantic and--did you know our wedding date is only a month away? A little over a month? Anyway, everything was great--or, well, getting better--next thing I know, we're breaking off the engagement. He said he didn't think we were quite ready to get married yet--citing some of the things that damn preacher had said. Things were moving too fast. TOO FAST, he says! HE proposed to me. HE set our wedding date. We've been trying to marry each other since we were fucking toddlers and NOW we're moving too fast. Jason--why won't he stay with me? Why can't I keep him? Why won't he marry me?"
More fresh tears flowed and she leaned over, falling into his chest as she cried. He hugged her, balled up with her pillow and all, while one hand stroked her hair. He kissed the top of her head, lingering as she cried. "Because he's a fool," he said softly. "A complete and utter fool. And I'm sure he knows it. At least I hope he does."
She sniffed away tears and he felt her nod into his chest. "He does. We're talking about it. I mean, maybe not as often as we should, but--Jason, I just think--I just can't do this anymore. I can't--I don't--just--being with someone you love shouldn't be this hard. It just shouldn't."
"It isn't," he said, his tone still gentle. Jason instantly felt like a heartless asshole for the thoughts that were currently running through his mind. She was heartbroken, depressed, and vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable. But he couldn't help himself. He didn't know when he would ever get the opportunity, or the courage, to say to her what he always wanted to say. It nagged at him and it ate at him, knowing this was completely wrong timing, but he decided to go for it anyway. "Marry me."
She continued to sniff away tears, her sobs seeming to subside. She was quiet for a few seconds before she finally creaked out, "What?"
His heart raced and it pounded. Surely she could feel the rapid beating against her shoulder. He nearly broke out in a cold sweat, but there was no turning back now. "Marry me," he repeated, only a little louder.
Slowly, she sat up and wiped her eyes, looking at him as shock washed over her face.
"You're trying to marry the wrong man," he finally continued. "The whole time. Marry ME. *I* am the one you should be marrying, not him."
Mel shook her head, the shock on her face changing to one of fear. "No," she said softly. "It's not fair--"
"You know what's not fair?" he responded, perhaps a little more forcefully than he should. He made it a point to try to keep his rising frustration in check. "This right here, this isn't fair. For as long as I've known you, this is all I've ever seen. ALL at the expense of HIM. Every bit of it. That is NOT love, that is NOT happiness! Do you know when I see you happy? Do you?"
Mel only stared back at him. He had apparently rendered her speechless for the moment and he was completely fine with that. "With ME. Every single time we are together you are a completely different person. You glow and you shine and you SMILE. Look at me, Mel. I am HERE. I am here all the time. Through all the heartbreaks he's caused you, the tears, the meltdowns, everything--*I* am the only constant in your life. I am the only sure thing. Not him. Where is he, Mel? Where is he and where am I? Think about it. You KNOW this is right."
She gaped back at him. He hoped he had gotten to her somehow. Actually, he didn't know what he expected. He just wanted so desperately for her to understand him. Instead, she shook her head again. "No. I mean it's not fair for you. Jason my heart is--I mean, Tay and I--I'm--it's different with him. And right now I'm--I'm emotionally unavailable. I love him. We have history--"
"History doesn't mean shit, Mel, and you know it," he spat out of his mouth all of a sudden. She was vulnerable but she wasn't broken. He was tired of tiptoeing around her and her false sense of emotional security. "History is just your mind's way of providing a crutch to convince you that you love someone when the truth is, you're not sure if you really do. So you use history for your reason. History isn't shit. Look what history did to you! Look what history KEEPS doing to you. History is the past. History is everything that's already DONE--everything that's already BEEN DONE. Your history with him is OVER, Mel. It has been for a long time. Look at ME, look at right NOW. This is where you live your life. You don't live your life in what doesn't exist anymore. You live your life in what is NOW. And right NOW, I am telling you, once and for all, that I love you. My sun rises and falls with you. I am so in love with you, Mel, sometimes I wonder how I even get out of bed in the morning. I fell in love with you the immediate second I ever laid eyes on you when you rounded the corner in that house across town over there. I knew in that moment that my life was changed forever, and you did, too. I KNOW you felt it, Mel. I know you felt it then and I know you feel it now. Stop LYING to yourself and finally just give in already. I'm begging you, right now. Marry ME. Love ME. Let me love YOU. It's the only right thing."
Mel was speechless and Jason felt his body trembling. He wasn't sure if it was fury or fear, but he was pretty sure it was both. Fury at himself for letting things go this far without telling her how he felt. Fear of what her reaction was going to be. Fear of what she would do with his heart now that he had completely surrendered it to her. He had never loved another women in his entire life. This was brand new to him and it scared the shit out of him. He almost didn't know himself anymore. The one thing he did know, though, was that he didn't want to lose this feeling for as long as he lived. He saw a chance and he took it. Now he held his breath.
Finally, she spoke. Slowly at first. "This was probably the worst time you could ever pick to spring this on me. In ways you can't even begin to know."
"Why, because you're afraid it's true?"
"Because we can't BE, Jason. We just can't. These are the hands we've been dealt. And these are the hands that we have to play. I'm sorry, I just--I just can't with you."
"Then I fold."
"You what?"
"I'm out. Game over."
"You don't mean that. Don't talk like that."
"I can't, Mel. I have just lived both the most exhilarating and the most tortured two years of my entire existence. But I just can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't handle it. I can't continue to--without you, I'm nothing. Without you--I'm in hell. You have to see that without you I'm in hell. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."
Mel's face hardened. THIS was the face he had braced himself for. "Then why did you stay, Jason? Why did you stay all those times? Why do you still continue to stay? Why did you even come back!?"
"Because you need me."
"Get out of my apartment."
"You only want him. You NEED me."
"GET OUT!"
Defeated, and immediately regretting his decision to open his big mouth, Jason stood and headed for the door. He was surprised when she followed him, but knowing her, she likely only followed him just so she could slam the door in his face. He stopped and turned around in the open doorway. "You're making a mistake."
"No, I don't believe I am. You're the one who decided that our friendship couldn't withstand US anymore."
"What, and you haven't already?"
"I thought maybe we would be friends again! Like nothing ever changed! But you come here just to tell me we can't?!"
"That is NOT what I said--"
"Isn't it? I mean, I'm pretty sure 'I can't, Mel' is code for 'Have a nice life.' I'm pretty familiar with the phrase. Don't play me like I'm the fool here, Jason. You just said so yourself, maybe in not so many words, but you totally meant it, that you can't be friends with me. So just leave. I'm making it easy for you."
"You need me, Mel."
"No, Jason, I really don't. I'm so used to this very scene right here, I'm practically immune, honestly. Go ahead and leave. Everyone fucking leaves me. EVERYONE. Why should you be any different?"
Mel's past raced through Jason's brain in a flash. She wasn't kidding and he never allowed himself to forget it. She lost her husband, her best friend, her fiancée--three times. Not to mention her close friend in the city who recently found his way back to Puerto Rico. The truth was, Jason really was all she had left and he knew it. "This is why you need me," he responded.
Mel's hand gripped the door beside her. "I don't need your charity, Jason," she spat. "I don't want your pity. I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. I've survived on my own before and I'll do it again. And in six months, when this baby is born, I won't be alone and you won't have to worry about me!"
Jason felt like the wind had just been knocked out of him and he stopped the door as it came crashing against the side of his fist. He opened it back up and asserted himself, taking a step in advancement toward Mel. "What did you just say?"
Apparently oblivious to what she was even saying, her face still red with fury, she responded, "What part of that wasn't clear enough for you?"
"Are you pregnant?"
The blood drained from her face and she clapped her hand over her mouth. Jason stepped back into the apartment, closing the door behind him and locking the multiple locks. Mel took several steps back as he took several steps forward. "How far along are you?"
Her voice was nearly inaudible. "Um, going on three months? I think? I'm kinda having a hard time keeping track..."
"Does Taylor know?"
She looked down at her hands as she wrung her fingers together.
Jason's heart instantly melted for her. "Well you're gonna tell him, aren't you?"
"I was eventually," she said meekly. "Maybe. I don't know." She listlessly dropped her hands and shrugged. "I don't even know if I'm going to keep it. I mean, what's the point, right? He'll, what, spend eighteen years paying child support for a child he's wanted his entire life? A child born into a strained relationship? I feel like I'm reliving the whole Natalie thing again. Except this time, well...you know..."
"So that stomach virus business..."
Mel shook her head. "Morning sickness. It's a bitch."
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I wasn't going to tell you at all." She looked away and scoffed. "I guess this makes life a little easier for you now, doesn't it? Nobody in their right mind would want a woman who's dealing with the shit I'm dealing with, you know? Babies are kinda deal-breakers in this day and age. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Me, like this..."
His heart softened and he looked down into her eyes. He tucked her hair behind her ear and let the backs of his fingers caress her cheek. "I want a woman who's dealing with the shit you're dealing with."
She looked up at him and wrapped her small hand lightly around his wrist. "Jason. I can't. I'm so sorry. But I can't."
"I know."
"But I need you. If--if you'll stay. If you'll be my friend, I need you. I don't know who I am or where any of this is gonna go or what's gonna happen. I'm essentially alone, I have nobody to turn to. And right now I just need you to be there."
Looking at her beautiful, but haggard, appearance, he asked her gently, "When's the last time you slept?"
Mel's sarcastic laughter resonated through the fresh tears that had begun to fall. "I haven't slept a full eight hours in--I honestly couldn't tell you. I doze here and there, but I just--I don't know."
"Well, tonight you're going to sleep. I'm making sure of that myself. You'll feel better, I promise. You'll feel a world of difference in the morning."
He began to guide her to the master bedroom when she stopped in her tracks. "No," she said abruptly. "Not in that room."
"What?"
"I don't sleep in that room."
"You apparently don't sleep at all."
"But when I do, it's not in that room. I sleep in the spare room. Actually, I need to find another apartment altogether," she muttered, shuffling down the small hallway, as he finally realized just how exhausted she was. "Finding an apartment in this city is such a bitch."
She allowed Jason to tuck her into the bed and then he kicked off his shoes and crawled in with her. Laying on her side, she gazed out the window into the 6pm evening daylight. "I love this city," she sighed.
As Jason settled in behind her, he wrapped his arm around her and he held her tightly. "Tell me what you love about the city," he said softly into her ear.
He heard the smile in her voice, a sound he'd longed to hear from her for so long. "What's not to love? Besides how gorgeous it is, I love it all. Right down to the cab exhaust fumes. The hot dog stands, the obnoxious car horns, the peddlers on the street corners. The shopping, the dining, the culture, the history..." Finally, Jason felt her body relax and her breathing evened out. As promised, she had fallen sound sleep.
MEL
Another week had passed and September was just getting started. Mel hadn't spoken to Taylor since their last phone conversation, but not for the lack of his trying. She had to admit, she was surprised, and even a little hurt, that he hadn't shown up at the condo yet. She probably would have killed him where he stood, but at least she'd get to see him one last time before she ended his miserable existence.
She sighed as she thought about him. She did miss him. Goddamn, she missed him so much. On more than one occasion, more often than she liked, she considered going home. Going back to him. Taking him in her arms and supporting his therapy, being there for him through his healing process. Holding him and telling him she loved him while they figured out a plan B to an eventual wedding. But then she would stop and think about what he said--about how he actually had the audacity to tell her he couldn't be there for her at that time. She understood that he needed to focus on himself, but goddamn, have a little humanity for her. Care, even a little!
But she was tired. And she was exhausted. And she was spent trying to beg him to love her and be with her and want her--it was like hitting a brick wall over and over. Like he was constantly finding a way out of their relationship. If one didn't know any better...
She tossed her empty pudding container to the side. She'd gotten better about her housekeeping since Nikki had scolded her a couple of weeks ago. Nikki had been right. A sloppy lifestyle just wasn't Mel. She may have been down in the dumps and down on herself, but the least she could do was pick up after herself and wipe a counter once in awhile.
As she flipped channels, Jason Kamealoha, in all his Hawaiian glory, suddenly flashed across her screen. In spite of herself, she backtracked to the channel she'd seen him on and watched a preview for a film he had coming out. Normally she would see he was about to be very busy coming up, but since he'd announced that he was backing out of acting--would he even show up to his own premiere? Or had there already been a premiere? She couldn't keep track of any of this stuff anymore.
Her mind flashed back to her last conversation with Tay and she bit her lip in thought. He had suggested calling Jason. While his reasoning behind it seemed slightly off-kilter, she couldn't help but be tempted by the suggestion. She'd been tempted by it ever since he put it in her mind. It had been two months since she'd seen Jason. Two months since she'd spoken to him. He hadn't attempted to contact her, nor she him. They respected each other's boundaries.
But maybe...maybe boundaries were meant to be crossed.
Mel went for it. He had been her best friend for way too long to be nervous about this. What's the worst he could do, tell her to fuck off? She'd already practically said that to him. If he said it, he owed it to her. She would have taken it because she deserved it. Uggh, here she went, once again over-analyzing something that should be so simple...
She bit the bullet and texted him. "Are you out there?"
And then she held her breath.
She held her breath for an entire sitcom before her text alert went off again. Her heart pounded, as odd as it felt. Almost like a reminder that it was still in her chest. The text read, "Always."
And then she felt herself melting. Like a school girl, she melted. And when she realized she was fawning, she straightened her spine and furrowed her brow. She only fawned because she was desperately lonely and she knew it.
She texted back. "Do you hate me?"
"Never."
"Are we only speaking in measurements of time?"
"Haha."
"Where are you?"
"New Jersey."
"New Jersey? What the hell for?"
"Because I didn't want to stay in New York."
"Why would anyone NOT want to stay in New York? You have business here or something? Are you commuting?"
"Here?"
"What?"
"You said 'you have business here.' Are you in New York?"
Mel stared at her screen for a moment and blinked her eyes. Well, she hadn't really thought this through. Shit, she didn't even think he would text her back. Sighing in defeat, she texted back, "Yes."
"At the condo?"
"Yes."
"For how long?"
"Long enough."
"I'd really like to see you. If that's okay."
She put her phone down and looked around the room. Was she prepared for this? Could she handle it? Seeing Jason would mean--she would have to tell him. She'd have to tell him everything. She'd have to face the reality and bring it all out into the open. Did she want to? Why couldn't she just make it all go away?
"My schedule's open," she texted.
"How about tomorrow?"
Holy shit, that soon? Her heart pounded. He was giving her less than 24 hours to pull herself together. Was this even possible? "Okay. Tomorrow will be fine."
"I've missed you."
A lump caught in her throat. "I've missed you, too."
Good lord, if there was one, grant her the strength to get through this visit alive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
JASON
Getting off the elevator on Mel's floor and heading down the hallway, Jason couldn't seem to wipe the grin off his face. He felt good today. The sun was shining, he was in talks to do his first project from behind the camera, and seeing Mel was simply the icing on the cake. It was kind of crazy how the first time she texts him in two months, she ends up in the same city he was in. It seemed to happen like that often. There were reasons for everything.
However as soon as she opened the door, the grin vanished from his face and he felt a knot form in the pit of his stomach. She looked like death warmed over. Her color was gone, her eyes appeared as if sleep didn't exist in her world--and surely she hadn't lost weight? She couldn't afford to lose any!
She let him in and he stepped in the door, never once taking his eyes off of her. She smiled at him, but it was wrong. It wasn't genuine. There was tension. Something was very, very wrong with this picture. "Did I come at a bad time?" he asked her.
Mel shook her head. "No, it's okay. I wasn't really doing anything anyway. Besides, I knew you were coming anyway, remember?" Suddenly her expression changed and she must have sensed his suspicion because realization washed over her face. "Oh god. You have to excuse the way I look. There was a stomach virus going around in the building a couple weeks ago and I picked it up. I just got over it a few days ago." She laughed sheepishly. "Jesus, I probably look a complete mess."
Jason was relieved when the knot loosened in his stomach. He smiled warmly and shook his head. "You're beautiful, just like you always are."
Mel smiled and rolled her eyes. "Please..."
"You know I don't say things I don't mean."
He was happy to see a little color appear in her cheeks just then and even happier that it was because of something he'd said. "Do you want anything?" she asked him. "Coffee, tea..."
"You don't have to play hostess with me. You know that."
She shrugged nervously. "I know. I just..."
The knot returned to his stomach so suddenly, he never saw it coming. Something was WRONG. "Where's Taylor?"
She tucked some hair behind her ear and walked across the room toward the sofa. Following her, he heard her mumble. "Uh, in Tulsa."
Jason simply chose to nod in response. It was obvious that was her answer and apparently didn't care to elaborate. That was okay, though. He hadn't come there to see Taylor. He came there for her.
Jason watched her gently straighten some magazines on the coffee table when he eyed the clutter that seemed to litter the room. He found it odd and couldn't seem to stop the words from leaving his mouth, "Did I come before you had a chance to clean up?"
Mel glanced up at him, hurt flashing across her eyes. "Um, I said I've been sick, remember? I've only recently gotten a chance to start getting around."
"Oh...right..." He couldn't shake the tension. As he looked around the apartment, everything started coming together and a new horror washed over him. Horror for her, it seemed, and anything that was a horror for her was instantly a horror for him. He looked around at the desk by the panoramic window, crowded with paperwork. Magazines and books on the coffee table, pictures on the walls...throw blankets in the chairs that appeared to have been used on a nearly daily basis. Looking around the room, it dawned on him. "So, uh, Taylor's in Tulsa, huh?"
"Yeah," she nodded, tucking a leg underneath her as she sat in the corner of the sofa.
He chose to stand and he narrowed his eyes at her. "Mel--are you LIVING here?"
Defensively, she hugged a throw pillow close to her chest.
"You ARE living here, aren't you?" He then sat down next to her and grabbed her left hand, his thumb rubbing her empty ring finger. "What the hell happened?"
At that moment she burst into tears. "He doesn't want to marry me."
Jason was instantly livid. Murderous was a better word. "What are you talking about?"
She shook her head and wiped her eyes. "I don't know. He, like, literally woke up one morning and was like, 'I can't do this,' and then we ended the engagement and it's...it's over!" She bawled fresh tears for a few seconds before she attempted to put herself back together. Ironically, something she had been attempting to do in the entire time he knew her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to unload on you like this. It's just--I haven't talked about this with anyone."
"How long ago did it happen?" he asked softly.
"Two months ago. Almost," was her meek response.
Jason gaped back at her. "Two MONTHS? You've gone two months without speaking to anyone? What about me? Why didn't you tell me? Mel, that's not healthy."
"I didn't want to put this burden on you, with things going--like they are for you and all. You don't need all my constant drama and problems dragging you down. It's not fair."
"No. What's not fair is...this...whole situation here. You ALWAYS come to me when you need someone. Always. You know that."
She nodded loosely. "I know."
"So, what, it was just like that? That fast?"
"No." Bit by bit she attempted to calm herself. "I mean, yes, he literally woke up and those were the first words out of his mouth. I was touring with him. And I bought his wedding ring the previous day. And the night before was so romantic and--did you know our wedding date is only a month away? A little over a month? Anyway, everything was great--or, well, getting better--next thing I know, we're breaking off the engagement. He said he didn't think we were quite ready to get married yet--citing some of the things that damn preacher had said. Things were moving too fast. TOO FAST, he says! HE proposed to me. HE set our wedding date. We've been trying to marry each other since we were fucking toddlers and NOW we're moving too fast. Jason--why won't he stay with me? Why can't I keep him? Why won't he marry me?"
More fresh tears flowed and she leaned over, falling into his chest as she cried. He hugged her, balled up with her pillow and all, while one hand stroked her hair. He kissed the top of her head, lingering as she cried. "Because he's a fool," he said softly. "A complete and utter fool. And I'm sure he knows it. At least I hope he does."
She sniffed away tears and he felt her nod into his chest. "He does. We're talking about it. I mean, maybe not as often as we should, but--Jason, I just think--I just can't do this anymore. I can't--I don't--just--being with someone you love shouldn't be this hard. It just shouldn't."
"It isn't," he said, his tone still gentle. Jason instantly felt like a heartless asshole for the thoughts that were currently running through his mind. She was heartbroken, depressed, and vulnerable. Extremely vulnerable. But he couldn't help himself. He didn't know when he would ever get the opportunity, or the courage, to say to her what he always wanted to say. It nagged at him and it ate at him, knowing this was completely wrong timing, but he decided to go for it anyway. "Marry me."
She continued to sniff away tears, her sobs seeming to subside. She was quiet for a few seconds before she finally creaked out, "What?"
His heart raced and it pounded. Surely she could feel the rapid beating against her shoulder. He nearly broke out in a cold sweat, but there was no turning back now. "Marry me," he repeated, only a little louder.
Slowly, she sat up and wiped her eyes, looking at him as shock washed over her face.
"You're trying to marry the wrong man," he finally continued. "The whole time. Marry ME. *I* am the one you should be marrying, not him."
Mel shook her head, the shock on her face changing to one of fear. "No," she said softly. "It's not fair--"
"You know what's not fair?" he responded, perhaps a little more forcefully than he should. He made it a point to try to keep his rising frustration in check. "This right here, this isn't fair. For as long as I've known you, this is all I've ever seen. ALL at the expense of HIM. Every bit of it. That is NOT love, that is NOT happiness! Do you know when I see you happy? Do you?"
Mel only stared back at him. He had apparently rendered her speechless for the moment and he was completely fine with that. "With ME. Every single time we are together you are a completely different person. You glow and you shine and you SMILE. Look at me, Mel. I am HERE. I am here all the time. Through all the heartbreaks he's caused you, the tears, the meltdowns, everything--*I* am the only constant in your life. I am the only sure thing. Not him. Where is he, Mel? Where is he and where am I? Think about it. You KNOW this is right."
She gaped back at him. He hoped he had gotten to her somehow. Actually, he didn't know what he expected. He just wanted so desperately for her to understand him. Instead, she shook her head again. "No. I mean it's not fair for you. Jason my heart is--I mean, Tay and I--I'm--it's different with him. And right now I'm--I'm emotionally unavailable. I love him. We have history--"
"History doesn't mean shit, Mel, and you know it," he spat out of his mouth all of a sudden. She was vulnerable but she wasn't broken. He was tired of tiptoeing around her and her false sense of emotional security. "History is just your mind's way of providing a crutch to convince you that you love someone when the truth is, you're not sure if you really do. So you use history for your reason. History isn't shit. Look what history did to you! Look what history KEEPS doing to you. History is the past. History is everything that's already DONE--everything that's already BEEN DONE. Your history with him is OVER, Mel. It has been for a long time. Look at ME, look at right NOW. This is where you live your life. You don't live your life in what doesn't exist anymore. You live your life in what is NOW. And right NOW, I am telling you, once and for all, that I love you. My sun rises and falls with you. I am so in love with you, Mel, sometimes I wonder how I even get out of bed in the morning. I fell in love with you the immediate second I ever laid eyes on you when you rounded the corner in that house across town over there. I knew in that moment that my life was changed forever, and you did, too. I KNOW you felt it, Mel. I know you felt it then and I know you feel it now. Stop LYING to yourself and finally just give in already. I'm begging you, right now. Marry ME. Love ME. Let me love YOU. It's the only right thing."
Mel was speechless and Jason felt his body trembling. He wasn't sure if it was fury or fear, but he was pretty sure it was both. Fury at himself for letting things go this far without telling her how he felt. Fear of what her reaction was going to be. Fear of what she would do with his heart now that he had completely surrendered it to her. He had never loved another women in his entire life. This was brand new to him and it scared the shit out of him. He almost didn't know himself anymore. The one thing he did know, though, was that he didn't want to lose this feeling for as long as he lived. He saw a chance and he took it. Now he held his breath.
Finally, she spoke. Slowly at first. "This was probably the worst time you could ever pick to spring this on me. In ways you can't even begin to know."
"Why, because you're afraid it's true?"
"Because we can't BE, Jason. We just can't. These are the hands we've been dealt. And these are the hands that we have to play. I'm sorry, I just--I just can't with you."
"Then I fold."
"You what?"
"I'm out. Game over."
"You don't mean that. Don't talk like that."
"I can't, Mel. I have just lived both the most exhilarating and the most tortured two years of my entire existence. But I just can't do it anymore. I can't. I can't handle it. I can't continue to--without you, I'm nothing. Without you--I'm in hell. You have to see that without you I'm in hell. I can't do it anymore. I'm sorry."
Mel's face hardened. THIS was the face he had braced himself for. "Then why did you stay, Jason? Why did you stay all those times? Why do you still continue to stay? Why did you even come back!?"
"Because you need me."
"Get out of my apartment."
"You only want him. You NEED me."
"GET OUT!"
Defeated, and immediately regretting his decision to open his big mouth, Jason stood and headed for the door. He was surprised when she followed him, but knowing her, she likely only followed him just so she could slam the door in his face. He stopped and turned around in the open doorway. "You're making a mistake."
"No, I don't believe I am. You're the one who decided that our friendship couldn't withstand US anymore."
"What, and you haven't already?"
"I thought maybe we would be friends again! Like nothing ever changed! But you come here just to tell me we can't?!"
"That is NOT what I said--"
"Isn't it? I mean, I'm pretty sure 'I can't, Mel' is code for 'Have a nice life.' I'm pretty familiar with the phrase. Don't play me like I'm the fool here, Jason. You just said so yourself, maybe in not so many words, but you totally meant it, that you can't be friends with me. So just leave. I'm making it easy for you."
"You need me, Mel."
"No, Jason, I really don't. I'm so used to this very scene right here, I'm practically immune, honestly. Go ahead and leave. Everyone fucking leaves me. EVERYONE. Why should you be any different?"
Mel's past raced through Jason's brain in a flash. She wasn't kidding and he never allowed himself to forget it. She lost her husband, her best friend, her fiancée--three times. Not to mention her close friend in the city who recently found his way back to Puerto Rico. The truth was, Jason really was all she had left and he knew it. "This is why you need me," he responded.
Mel's hand gripped the door beside her. "I don't need your charity, Jason," she spat. "I don't want your pity. I don't need you and I don't need anyone else. I've survived on my own before and I'll do it again. And in six months, when this baby is born, I won't be alone and you won't have to worry about me!"
Jason felt like the wind had just been knocked out of him and he stopped the door as it came crashing against the side of his fist. He opened it back up and asserted himself, taking a step in advancement toward Mel. "What did you just say?"
Apparently oblivious to what she was even saying, her face still red with fury, she responded, "What part of that wasn't clear enough for you?"
"Are you pregnant?"
The blood drained from her face and she clapped her hand over her mouth. Jason stepped back into the apartment, closing the door behind him and locking the multiple locks. Mel took several steps back as he took several steps forward. "How far along are you?"
Her voice was nearly inaudible. "Um, going on three months? I think? I'm kinda having a hard time keeping track..."
"Does Taylor know?"
She looked down at her hands as she wrung her fingers together.
Jason's heart instantly melted for her. "Well you're gonna tell him, aren't you?"
"I was eventually," she said meekly. "Maybe. I don't know." She listlessly dropped her hands and shrugged. "I don't even know if I'm going to keep it. I mean, what's the point, right? He'll, what, spend eighteen years paying child support for a child he's wanted his entire life? A child born into a strained relationship? I feel like I'm reliving the whole Natalie thing again. Except this time, well...you know..."
"So that stomach virus business..."
Mel shook her head. "Morning sickness. It's a bitch."
"Why did you lie to me?"
"I wasn't going to tell you at all." She looked away and scoffed. "I guess this makes life a little easier for you now, doesn't it? Nobody in their right mind would want a woman who's dealing with the shit I'm dealing with, you know? Babies are kinda deal-breakers in this day and age. It's kind of ironic, isn't it? Me, like this..."
His heart softened and he looked down into her eyes. He tucked her hair behind her ear and let the backs of his fingers caress her cheek. "I want a woman who's dealing with the shit you're dealing with."
She looked up at him and wrapped her small hand lightly around his wrist. "Jason. I can't. I'm so sorry. But I can't."
"I know."
"But I need you. If--if you'll stay. If you'll be my friend, I need you. I don't know who I am or where any of this is gonna go or what's gonna happen. I'm essentially alone, I have nobody to turn to. And right now I just need you to be there."
Looking at her beautiful, but haggard, appearance, he asked her gently, "When's the last time you slept?"
Mel's sarcastic laughter resonated through the fresh tears that had begun to fall. "I haven't slept a full eight hours in--I honestly couldn't tell you. I doze here and there, but I just--I don't know."
"Well, tonight you're going to sleep. I'm making sure of that myself. You'll feel better, I promise. You'll feel a world of difference in the morning."
He began to guide her to the master bedroom when she stopped in her tracks. "No," she said abruptly. "Not in that room."
"What?"
"I don't sleep in that room."
"You apparently don't sleep at all."
"But when I do, it's not in that room. I sleep in the spare room. Actually, I need to find another apartment altogether," she muttered, shuffling down the small hallway, as he finally realized just how exhausted she was. "Finding an apartment in this city is such a bitch."
She allowed Jason to tuck her into the bed and then he kicked off his shoes and crawled in with her. Laying on her side, she gazed out the window into the 6pm evening daylight. "I love this city," she sighed.
As Jason settled in behind her, he wrapped his arm around her and he held her tightly. "Tell me what you love about the city," he said softly into her ear.
He heard the smile in her voice, a sound he'd longed to hear from her for so long. "What's not to love? Besides how gorgeous it is, I love it all. Right down to the cab exhaust fumes. The hot dog stands, the obnoxious car horns, the peddlers on the street corners. The shopping, the dining, the culture, the history..." Finally, Jason felt her body relax and her breathing evened out. As promised, she had fallen sound sleep.