MEMORIES
JASON
It had been well over twenty-four hours since Mel had left Chicago. Jason woke up in his hotel room and sat up on the side of the bed, looking around the room. He didn't care to glance over at the clock, but he did anyway. It was after ten at night. He couldn't believe he'd slept all that time, but what could he do? The doctor wouldn't write him back to work for at least another day or two. This was bullshit.
Then he turned and looked at the pillow he'd just risen from. Mel had been kind enough to alert housekeeping not to come into his room while he was in the hospital, so he knew the sheets hadn't been changed. He purposely slept in the bed he was currently in because he knew it was the one she'd slept in while he was in the hospital. The pillow had smelled like her hair and he knew it was a sappy move to sleep there, but he couldn't help himself. Nobody would ever know. He had to take what he could get while he could get it.
She was gone.
He wanted to be pissed. He wanted to hate her for being such a goddamn hypocrite. He wanted to throw it up in her face how all this time she begged and pleaded with him to not leave--not to give up on her. And yet, here she was, leaving him without a second thought. Why was it that she could do whatever she wanted and nobody else could?
Because she was completely irresistible.
He didn't have the heart to deny her. He didn't want her to hurt. When she hurt, it killed him, no matter the situation. But now it was his turn to die inside. He thought he'd died on several occasions already, but those times were nothing compared to this. Not even close. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. He was afraid to go back to work. They expected him to act. They expected him to return with his usual vigor, but would he be able to find it in him? Could he perform to the level they needed him to with this weighing down on him like it did? This would be the ultimate test. If he could get through this film, he could do anything.
Most artists--musicians, actors, painters--most artists thrived on torture. A tortured soul was known to produce the best and most heartfelt work. Jason thought that was all a crock of shit. Who actually WANTED to feel this way? Who actually WANTED the love of their life openly reject you and leave you for someone else? Who WANTED to watch her walk out the door, wondering when you would ever see her again, if at all? Who WANTED any of that shit?
On another note, he welcomed the pain with open arms. At least if he felt the pain, there was still something left of him, somewhere. There was hope for him. If he hadn't felt love, he wouldn't be feeling he pain. And he would have done this a million times over if he had to, with the same result, heartbroken and beaten down, only to feel the love that he felt for her.
Against his better judgment, he rolled up his right shirt sleeve and looked at the inside of his bicep, close to his armpit. He looked at the small print, in simple, black calligraphy. "Melokia," it read. Melody in Hawaiian. He'd had it for about a year. Mel never knew it existed. He remembered the day in Tulsa when she'd gotten her first--and only--tattoos. He smiled at the memory. He remembered being slightly taken aback when she insisted on a smaller version of the wave tattoo he sported--his mana. His mana was unique to him and after he got over the initial shock, he'd been deeply touched by the sentiment. She had inadvertently made him hers with that one simple gesture and she never knew it--but the feeling was powerful to him.
Letting his sleeve back down, he rested both his hands on his knees and he sat. He should never have looked at that tattoo. He didn't want to see the memories that suddenly came flooding into his mind at that very moment. Unwanted. Uninvited. Unrelenting. He remembered all the way back when his friend Kevin came to him and said, "Hey, I have a friend who needs a date for her friend." And he had told him that wasn't really his thing and Kevin had twisted his arm. He hadn't really put much effort into his appearance that night, ready to get it over with before it even started. And then Mel turned the corner in her house and Jason was done for. All it took was one look at her and he didn't want the night to end. He remembered the cab ride was torture. The first time he kissed her was magic--a feeling he'd never in his life ever felt before. He always tried to pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen in love with her, but the truth was, he couldn't. He fell in love with her constantly, with every move she made. He smiled at the day in Cabo when she jumped off that cliff. It had taken him by surprise at first, causing him to reminisce about the fun he'd had cliff diving back home in Hawaii. He remembered tearing his own shirt off and jumping in after her, the exhilarating feeling of meeting her at the bottom unmatched to any adrenaline rush he could ever feel. He remembered when she came to visit in Ireland. He had no idea when she was arriving and he remembered his heart pumping like mad when she'd obliviously passed by his trailer door. He'd stepped out the door into the dusk of the evening and she'd turned around to face him like a scene out of a movie. That was the week he'd finally told her how he felt about her--and the first time she'd officially rejected him. The first time he'd ever truly died inside. But he kept coming back for more. Just kept coming and coming and coming. He was addicted to the pain then and he was addicted to it now.
Before Mel, Jason was a loner. He didn't date much and he didn't sleep around. It just wasn't something that appealed to him. He'd been alone before, it was nothing to him. He could go on without her, that wasn't a question. The question was, did he WANT to?
He immediately shook the thought out of his brain. How dare he? Though he could die happy. He'd told her he loved her. She had her happiness now. It was all he ever wanted for her. So why not, right?
Because he just wasn't that kind of man. He had tortured himself enough just by sticking around. But maybe she didn't just do herself a favor. Maybe she did him one, as well. He needed to move on. He'd tried and failed many times in the past. But maybe this was the boost he needed. He needed to get on with his life. He needed to work and to travel--he needed to spend more time with his family. Maybe after this film wrapped, he'd go home. Not to LA, but to Hawaii. Maybe he would go back to Hawaii and disappear for a couple of months. He'd spend time with his mother, surf with his cousins and their kids--become a functioning member of his family again. It had been too long anyway.
But for now, he sat in his reality. In his quiet, lonely room. He found himself checking his phone, not sure what to expect. There were no messages from her. He knew there wouldn't be. He pulled up his contacts list and found her name. Staring at it for a moment, he pressed edit and let the cursor sit at the end of her name. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he deleted it and replaced it with 'Untitled.' He couldn't bear to delete her number, but he couldn't bear to look at her name, either. It was bad enough that it was on his arm. Then he went into his text messages and deleted them all. Every last one of them. Gone. He couldn't bear to even go into his picture gallery. He'd have to save that for another day, maybe when he was a little stronger.
He couldn't keep his mind from wandering back to the most recent events. She'd kissed him as he lay in the hospital. Sure, she claimed it was an accident, but they both knew better. That's why she bolted. That's why she left--ended it. She was scared. She was scared because he now knew what he always suspected and she wasn't ready to admit--she loved him. She loved him and she didn't want to believe it. But she loved Taylor, too, and maybe the way she loved Jason just wasn't enough. It killed him to know how happy he knew he could make her--how happy he knew she was when they were together. Watching her with Taylor was like watching a completely different person. It wasn't that she wasn't happy with him--she was and Jason knew it. But it was different and he couldn't explain it, nor did he care to.
His mind went right back to that first night he met Mel. He was addicted to the pain that very night. The very second he shook hands with Taylor and felt the instant chemistry between him and Mel. He knew in that moment that he couldn't have her and it was the very reason he never begged her for a commitment to him. He'd never felt so many emotions in one single night and every time he looked at Mel it seemed like a million more came out of nowhere. It exhausted him and it stressed him out, but he'd never felt so alive. He made love to her that night several times. He'd never had the kind of stamina he had with her. It was almost like his body took over and craved her and took everything it could get from her in the short amount of time he had with her.
Jason sighed as he looked around the room once more. He didn't want to admit it, but he was almost relieved. He knew his presence was difficult for her. He knew the way he felt about her was difficult on her. He had become a burden on her, something he never intended to let happen, but as time wore on it became harder and harder to control his emotions around her. She was right, as much as he hated it. She was right for doing this. Right for ending it. Right for leaving. After kissing her this last time, he wasn't sure he could respect her anymore. He wanted her more now than he'd ever wanted her and it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to keep a safe distance. But now he could. He could stay away and she could be happy and he could move on with his life.
Finally standing up, he walked over to the window and opened the curtain to the darkness outside. Raindrops littered the glass as it fell outside. He scoffed silently. How fitting was this? He rested his hand against the cool glass and crossed his ankles comfortably below him, content to watch the rain for a moment. She was out there. With Taylor. Maybe not under the same rain as he was, but definitely under the same dark sky. Goddammit, he missed her like hell. He always missed her, but not like this. Not the way you miss someone you'll probably never see again.
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MEL
Mel was home. Her heart remained heavy, but she was home. On a warm June night, she sat around a small fire in the middle of Isaac and Nikki's backyard, the three couples surrounding the fire while the kids ran around the yard a safe distance away. When Ike's guitar made an appearance, the children quickly calmed down and took their own seats in the grass to listen to the music produced by their fathers and uncles.
Sing-alongs and impromptu performances came and went, most of the time used to keep the kids in line, and the rest of the time was spent talking and laughing amongst the adults. As Mel looked around at what was essentially her family, she smiled, albeit an empty one. She couldn't help her mind from wandering. It was like the Hansons had some kind of magic--some kind of pull. Some way of pulling you into their world and leaving no room for the people you brought with you. It wasn't intentional, but it was uncanny. After all, on account of them in some way, shape, or fashion, she had managed to lose both of her best friends in a short amount of time. Three, if you counted Manuel, who she hadn't seen nor spoken to since she left New York. She was now to the point where all she had was them. She had nowhere to go, no one else to turn to. She kept everyone else an arm's length away and maybe that wasn't a good idea. But she couldn't very well put herself out there now. She couldn't just throw all her best friends away and make new ones, that would be absurd. She didn't want to think it, but in a way, she felt trapped. As much as she loved Taylor and as much as she loved Ike and Nikki and Zac and Kate and the rest of the Hansons, she felt trapped.
She hadn't realized how quiet she'd become until Tay leaned over and nudged her with his shoulder. "Hey," he said softly. "You're awful quiet over there."
"Oh," she smiled nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Um, sorry."
He looked at her with understanding and he lifted her hand and kissed it. She smiled at him as he went back to his conversation. As he and Ike and Zac talked animatedly about the tour coming up, Nikki and Kate chased the kids and prepared to take them inside. Mel supposed she could help them wrangle the little ones up, but her heart just wasn't in it and they seemed to have it under control. So, once again, she found herself alone with her thoughts.
Tay had expressed genuine regret in her decision to end her friendship with Jason and it confused her. She had been totally convinced that this would be what he wanted. Or maybe it was and he just didn't want to say it.
She knew that time would heal her. She just had to get there. She would feel awful for awhile, but she knew what she did was best for both her and Jason. Jason couldn't keep destroying all his relationships and she couldn't continue to need him the way she did. She had Tay. That's what he was there for. And to put herself in Tay's shoes was painful enough. She knew that Jason was the source of his distrust. She knew Jason made him uncomfortable. She knew that as long as Jason stayed around, he would always remain a threat. So she had to do it. She had to make the ultimate sacrifice to save her relationship. She loved Tay too much to lose him.
But it didn't keep her from regretting her decision. She would always regret her decision. She would always miss Jason, she would always think about him, she would always wonder where and how he was--but worst of all, she would always wonder what might have been. She couldn't help but entertain the thought. What if she'd given in? What if she'd given him a chance? Would she have been happy? Would it have felt right?
She knew the answers to her questions.
What would it have been like? Life with Jason? Always on the run, from one country to another, filming movie after movie? She knew she would travel. She knew she would see the world. He would never leave her at home, she knew that wouldn't be an option. What would it have been like, meeting his Hawaiian family? Adopting their customs? Learning their ways of life? Mel was a city girl--she looked at Tay and she was home--they were alike that way. Could she have adapted to Jason's family's traditions? Then again, Jason was only half Hawaiian. He never talked about the white side of his family. Maybe they lived in Hawaii, too? She didn't know. Curiously, she had never met his family. Would they have been accepting of her? Would they have welcomed her as one of their own like Walker and Diana did?
Would she have been able to have a career? Of course she would, Jason wouldn't have allowed her not to follow her dreams. And how would she feel about living in LA? She knew that when he wasn't filming, that's where he was. She'd been to LA on multiple occasions and she hadn't been impressed. New York was her home away from Tulsa. She couldn't imagine living anywhere else.
Mel imagined she had been lost in her thoughts longer than she thought because she suddenly found her and Tay alone outside by the fire. When had Ike and Zac left? Where did they go?
Tay moved closer to her and he let his hand slide gently down her back till it rested around her waist. "Hey," he said to her quietly as he sat shoulder-to-shoulder with her. "I know what you're feeling right now."
She could only look back at him.
"I just--I know I've said this already but I just want you to know--what you did was--I can't begin to tell you what a gesture like that means to me. That was--it was a major sacrifice on your part. I'm still not saying I agree with it, but the gesture in itself was--I just can't believe someone would do something like that for--for--"
"It had to be done."
Tay glanced shamefully down at the ground before he looked into her eyes again. "Can you--can you promise me something? Can you promise me that you won't regret marrying me?"
Mel looked at him in shock. "What? I--no. I would never--why would I regret marrying you? It's the only thing I ever wanted. Are you serious?"
He looked hard into her eyes, the nerves showing all over his face. "I just--I know I'm not him. I'm not always the most eloquent and I'm not always the most sure of myself and--well, I don't have the confidence that he has or the ability to fix everything for you like he seems to, but--I do love you. I love you SO much. And you're hurting right now and it kills me--"
"I'll be okay--"
"But I don't want you to resent me. I don't want you to regret marrying me and I don't want you to resent me. Mel, I swear to God I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I WILL make you happy. I promise you I will."
She stared back into his eyes, watching the flames reflect in them for a moment before she spoke. "Tay, I've never once doubted marrying you or my life with you or my love for you or anything. Ever. But, honestly, I've already thrown my best friend away. I don't know WHAT ELSE to say to make this better for you. I just--I just don't. I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here right now. I don't have all the answers, either. I want so badly to help you with whatever it is you're going through, but I just don't know how. And I know that's probably the wrong answer here but I don't have another one. Why don't YOU tell ME what I'm supposed to do now?"
He looked back at her, taking her hands in his, tightly. Tight enough for her to notice. Then his eyes darted around the air around her. "I think I have a problem," he said nervously.
Mel narrowed her eyes at him, not understanding him. "Um, how so...?"
"I think...I think I need to talk to someone...beyond Pastor Bradley..."
"Are--are you sure?"
His eyes darted back into hers. "I don't know."
"Well--um--why don't you try me first?"
"Because I don't know what to say."
"So how are you so sure you have a problem?"
"I don't know."
"I'm very confused."
"So am I."
Mel's heart pounded in fear. It was like a switch went off in him. He was borderline neurotic right now. "So...um--why don't you just try?"
He looked around them. "Right now?"
Mel shrugged. "There's nobody out here."
He hesitated before he opened his mouth. "I talked to Pastor Bradley while you were in Chicago."
She raised an eyebrow. "Before our last session?"
"Yes."
"How did that happen?"
He took a deep breath. "I got--I got scared. When you ran off to Chicago the way you did. I got nervous and I got scared and I felt like I needed to talk."
"Really..."
"Yes. And he thinks that maybe the extent of my issues aren't Jason--that maybe they stemmed from something before he came along."
Mel felt the hairs stand up on the back of her neck and her spine seemed to straighten as a reflex. She found herself on the defensive so hard it hurt her body. She had NO idea what to think in this moment. Would this knowledge have kept her from ending her friendship? Well, it certainly hadn't kept her from kissing him and that was ultimately why she called it quits in the first place. Still...
"Mel, when we were kids, we lost touch. I loved you and then you were gone. So when we reunited as teenagers and we got back together--I still loved you and I was so desperate to keep you and I ultimately ended up driving you away. Once again, I loved you and then you were gone. And then, as fate would have it, we met up again and I still loved you. I NEVER stopped loving you, but I just couldn't seem to keep you. And then all that Natalie mess happened and she claimed she was pregnant after you and I--and--and then I loved you and then you were gone. I don't want to love you and lose you again. I don't want to drive you away again. I want to quit messing things up but I don't know how. I just--I just want you to stay. I think--I think--I KNOW--that my trust issues aren't with you, they're with myself. I don't trust myself not to screw things up again. I'm scared."
The look on his face killed her. She hadn't seen that look since they were five on Halloween night when he was too afraid to enter the elaborately-decorated yard. It was pitiful and she couldn't handle it. Looking up, she ran her fingers through is hair and ran the back of her hand over his cheek. "There is NOTHING to be afraid of. I promise you. There are no monsters under the bed or in the closet. Be afraid of other things. Be afraid of forgetting lyrics onstage. Be afraid of guitar strings popping off in your face. Be afraid that a business deal might fall through. But don't be afraid of me or our relationship. As long as you're in this, I'm in it, too. I'm not going anywhere. I've never even considered it." She paused to take the elastic hair tie from around her wrist. Lifting his left hand, she wrapped it around his ring finger. "Forever. To have and to hold, to love and to cherish. Till death do us part," she whispered.
"I do," he whispered back.
"Don't be afraid."
"Jesus, get a room!" Zac's loud voice joked as the two other couples made their way back to the fire. He shook his head as he sat down. "Not even newlyweds yet. You kids these days..."
Mel and Tay laughed at his joke, appreciating the interruption. Surprisingly, they both seemed more at ease that night. More at ease than either one had been in a long time.
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PASTOR DEREK BRADLEY
"Pastor, your three o'clock is here," the secretary said, poking her head in the door.
Derek Bradley looked on, confused. "Um, I don't have any more appointments today..."
The secretary looked just as confused. "That's funny. She insists that she has an appointment. She says it's urgent."
Derek felt like his back was against the wall. He was a God-fearing man and he certainly didn't want to turn his back on someone in need. He glanced at his watch. But, man, he had plans with his family that evening...
"Okay, send her in, then. I'm sure I have time for one last appointment."
Derek felt the blood instantly drain from his face when she walked in the door. She smiled at him as she flipped her dark hair off her shoulder. "Hello, Derek. It's been a long time."
Derek fought for the words. "Um, Natalie. Hello. This is a surprise."
She put her purse down gently as she helped herself, daintily, into one of the chairs across his desk. "It is, isn't it?"
"So, uh, what brings you to Tulsa? Last I heard, you'd moved back to Atlanta."
"Oh, I did. But I still have people here, so I visit now and then. Were you not aware?"
He wiped his brow nervously. "Um, no, can't say that I was."
"That would figure. It's okay. I know you keep busy, what with the marriage counseling you do on the side and such. Which I find oddly ironic, really. Don't you?"
Struggling to keep his composure, he straightened up in his chair and adjusted his collar, feigning confidence. "Just doing God's work. It's what I do."
Her smile was more sickening than sweet. "Oh. I'm aware. Plenty aware."
"I have to admit that I'm surprised you came to see me."
She looked at him, plastering fake confusion on her face. "Really? I would have thought it was rather obvious, but thank you for having faith in me. Honestly. You always did...think...highly of me."
Derek was done for and he knew it. He was ready to cut to the chase. "Okay, fine. I'll bite. What do you want?"
She grinned and straightened up in her chair. "Wow, you're more receptive than I thought you'd be. I thought I'd have to get out the big guns for this."
"There's really no need."
"Aww, you're right," she pouted. "I don't think it's a good idea, either, if the star client you're counseling now knew that you slept around with his ex wife while he was out of the country." She shook her head and whispered loudly. "Wouldn't really look good on your resume."
Derek stared at Natalie hard. "Get to the point."
"Well, you see, I still love my ex husband. I miss him. We were good together. But he won't even hear me as long as she's in the picture."
"He loves her. I've seen it. They have a stronger bond than I've ever seen. And if you really loved him, you'd let him go and let him be happy."
"Don't sit there and try to counsel me, Derek. They're a disaster and you know it. *I* even know it. The entire city of Tulsa knows it. Their relationship is a ticking time bomb, don't pretend like it's not. I just--would like to be there to break his fall when it happens."
"You seem awful confident about that."
"Of course I am. Because when you tell them in their next session that you can't marry them, I'll be waiting in the wings when it all comes crashing down."
"Natalie, I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into. You're in over your head. If I don't marry them, they're just going to find someone else who will. This is despicable and I want no part in it. I'd advise you to leave my office right now."
"Think about it, Derek. You've known Tay for years. YEARS. He trusts you. He values your opinion. So what do you think is going to go through his head when he finds out that a long-time family friend doesn't think it's a good idea that he and Mel be married? It'll shatter him. He'll be full of doubt. And then he'll call off the wedding. Come now, Derek, what do you take me for? How do you think I stayed married to him for so long?" She leaned over the desk and whispered, "You gotta know how to play the game."
"Yeah? Then he divorced you."
"Only because that little bitch showed back up," she spat. Then she stood calmly and collected her purse again. "I'd advise you to think about what I said. It would only take a few words out of my mouth to ruin your career, your marriage, your relationship with your children, and ultimately your entire life. Don't forget that."
And with that, she walked out of his office.
Pastor Bradley leaned back in his chair and glanced at the picture of his family that sat on his desk. He was suddenly overcome with sweat and sickness. He should have known that his mistakes would come back to haunt him eventually.
JASON
It had been well over twenty-four hours since Mel had left Chicago. Jason woke up in his hotel room and sat up on the side of the bed, looking around the room. He didn't care to glance over at the clock, but he did anyway. It was after ten at night. He couldn't believe he'd slept all that time, but what could he do? The doctor wouldn't write him back to work for at least another day or two. This was bullshit.
Then he turned and looked at the pillow he'd just risen from. Mel had been kind enough to alert housekeeping not to come into his room while he was in the hospital, so he knew the sheets hadn't been changed. He purposely slept in the bed he was currently in because he knew it was the one she'd slept in while he was in the hospital. The pillow had smelled like her hair and he knew it was a sappy move to sleep there, but he couldn't help himself. Nobody would ever know. He had to take what he could get while he could get it.
She was gone.
He wanted to be pissed. He wanted to hate her for being such a goddamn hypocrite. He wanted to throw it up in her face how all this time she begged and pleaded with him to not leave--not to give up on her. And yet, here she was, leaving him without a second thought. Why was it that she could do whatever she wanted and nobody else could?
Because she was completely irresistible.
He didn't have the heart to deny her. He didn't want her to hurt. When she hurt, it killed him, no matter the situation. But now it was his turn to die inside. He thought he'd died on several occasions already, but those times were nothing compared to this. Not even close. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. He was afraid to go back to work. They expected him to act. They expected him to return with his usual vigor, but would he be able to find it in him? Could he perform to the level they needed him to with this weighing down on him like it did? This would be the ultimate test. If he could get through this film, he could do anything.
Most artists--musicians, actors, painters--most artists thrived on torture. A tortured soul was known to produce the best and most heartfelt work. Jason thought that was all a crock of shit. Who actually WANTED to feel this way? Who actually WANTED the love of their life openly reject you and leave you for someone else? Who WANTED to watch her walk out the door, wondering when you would ever see her again, if at all? Who WANTED any of that shit?
On another note, he welcomed the pain with open arms. At least if he felt the pain, there was still something left of him, somewhere. There was hope for him. If he hadn't felt love, he wouldn't be feeling he pain. And he would have done this a million times over if he had to, with the same result, heartbroken and beaten down, only to feel the love that he felt for her.
Against his better judgment, he rolled up his right shirt sleeve and looked at the inside of his bicep, close to his armpit. He looked at the small print, in simple, black calligraphy. "Melokia," it read. Melody in Hawaiian. He'd had it for about a year. Mel never knew it existed. He remembered the day in Tulsa when she'd gotten her first--and only--tattoos. He smiled at the memory. He remembered being slightly taken aback when she insisted on a smaller version of the wave tattoo he sported--his mana. His mana was unique to him and after he got over the initial shock, he'd been deeply touched by the sentiment. She had inadvertently made him hers with that one simple gesture and she never knew it--but the feeling was powerful to him.
Letting his sleeve back down, he rested both his hands on his knees and he sat. He should never have looked at that tattoo. He didn't want to see the memories that suddenly came flooding into his mind at that very moment. Unwanted. Uninvited. Unrelenting. He remembered all the way back when his friend Kevin came to him and said, "Hey, I have a friend who needs a date for her friend." And he had told him that wasn't really his thing and Kevin had twisted his arm. He hadn't really put much effort into his appearance that night, ready to get it over with before it even started. And then Mel turned the corner in her house and Jason was done for. All it took was one look at her and he didn't want the night to end. He remembered the cab ride was torture. The first time he kissed her was magic--a feeling he'd never in his life ever felt before. He always tried to pinpoint the exact moment he'd fallen in love with her, but the truth was, he couldn't. He fell in love with her constantly, with every move she made. He smiled at the day in Cabo when she jumped off that cliff. It had taken him by surprise at first, causing him to reminisce about the fun he'd had cliff diving back home in Hawaii. He remembered tearing his own shirt off and jumping in after her, the exhilarating feeling of meeting her at the bottom unmatched to any adrenaline rush he could ever feel. He remembered when she came to visit in Ireland. He had no idea when she was arriving and he remembered his heart pumping like mad when she'd obliviously passed by his trailer door. He'd stepped out the door into the dusk of the evening and she'd turned around to face him like a scene out of a movie. That was the week he'd finally told her how he felt about her--and the first time she'd officially rejected him. The first time he'd ever truly died inside. But he kept coming back for more. Just kept coming and coming and coming. He was addicted to the pain then and he was addicted to it now.
Before Mel, Jason was a loner. He didn't date much and he didn't sleep around. It just wasn't something that appealed to him. He'd been alone before, it was nothing to him. He could go on without her, that wasn't a question. The question was, did he WANT to?
He immediately shook the thought out of his brain. How dare he? Though he could die happy. He'd told her he loved her. She had her happiness now. It was all he ever wanted for her. So why not, right?
Because he just wasn't that kind of man. He had tortured himself enough just by sticking around. But maybe she didn't just do herself a favor. Maybe she did him one, as well. He needed to move on. He'd tried and failed many times in the past. But maybe this was the boost he needed. He needed to get on with his life. He needed to work and to travel--he needed to spend more time with his family. Maybe after this film wrapped, he'd go home. Not to LA, but to Hawaii. Maybe he would go back to Hawaii and disappear for a couple of months. He'd spend time with his mother, surf with his cousins and their kids--become a functioning member of his family again. It had been too long anyway.
But for now, he sat in his reality. In his quiet, lonely room. He found himself checking his phone, not sure what to expect. There were no messages from her. He knew there wouldn't be. He pulled up his contacts list and found her name. Staring at it for a moment, he pressed edit and let the cursor sit at the end of her name. He swallowed a lump in his throat as he deleted it and replaced it with 'Untitled.' He couldn't bear to delete her number, but he couldn't bear to look at her name, either. It was bad enough that it was on his arm. Then he went into his text messages and deleted them all. Every last one of them. Gone. He couldn't bear to even go into his picture gallery. He'd have to save that for another day, maybe when he was a little stronger.
He couldn't keep his mind from wandering back to the most recent events. She'd kissed him as he lay in the hospital. Sure, she claimed it was an accident, but they both knew better. That's why she bolted. That's why she left--ended it. She was scared. She was scared because he now knew what he always suspected and she wasn't ready to admit--she loved him. She loved him and she didn't want to believe it. But she loved Taylor, too, and maybe the way she loved Jason just wasn't enough. It killed him to know how happy he knew he could make her--how happy he knew she was when they were together. Watching her with Taylor was like watching a completely different person. It wasn't that she wasn't happy with him--she was and Jason knew it. But it was different and he couldn't explain it, nor did he care to.
His mind went right back to that first night he met Mel. He was addicted to the pain that very night. The very second he shook hands with Taylor and felt the instant chemistry between him and Mel. He knew in that moment that he couldn't have her and it was the very reason he never begged her for a commitment to him. He'd never felt so many emotions in one single night and every time he looked at Mel it seemed like a million more came out of nowhere. It exhausted him and it stressed him out, but he'd never felt so alive. He made love to her that night several times. He'd never had the kind of stamina he had with her. It was almost like his body took over and craved her and took everything it could get from her in the short amount of time he had with her.
Jason sighed as he looked around the room once more. He didn't want to admit it, but he was almost relieved. He knew his presence was difficult for her. He knew the way he felt about her was difficult on her. He had become a burden on her, something he never intended to let happen, but as time wore on it became harder and harder to control his emotions around her. She was right, as much as he hated it. She was right for doing this. Right for ending it. Right for leaving. After kissing her this last time, he wasn't sure he could respect her anymore. He wanted her more now than he'd ever wanted her and it was becoming increasingly difficult for him to keep a safe distance. But now he could. He could stay away and she could be happy and he could move on with his life.
Finally standing up, he walked over to the window and opened the curtain to the darkness outside. Raindrops littered the glass as it fell outside. He scoffed silently. How fitting was this? He rested his hand against the cool glass and crossed his ankles comfortably below him, content to watch the rain for a moment. She was out there. With Taylor. Maybe not under the same rain as he was, but definitely under the same dark sky. Goddammit, he missed her like hell. He always missed her, but not like this. Not the way you miss someone you'll probably never see again.
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MEL
Mel was home. Her heart remained heavy, but she was home. On a warm June night, she sat around a small fire in the middle of Isaac and Nikki's backyard, the three couples surrounding the fire while the kids ran around the yard a safe distance away. When Ike's guitar made an appearance, the children quickly calmed down and took their own seats in the grass to listen to the music produced by their fathers and uncles.
Sing-alongs and impromptu performances came and went, most of the time used to keep the kids in line, and the rest of the time was spent talking and laughing amongst the adults. As Mel looked around at what was essentially her family, she smiled, albeit an empty one. She couldn't help her mind from wandering. It was like the Hansons had some kind of magic--some kind of pull. Some way of pulling you into their world and leaving no room for the people you brought with you. It wasn't intentional, but it was uncanny. After all, on account of them in some way, shape, or fashion, she had managed to lose both of her best friends in a short amount of time. Three, if you counted Manuel, who she hadn't seen nor spoken to since she left New York. She was now to the point where all she had was them. She had nowhere to go, no one else to turn to. She kept everyone else an arm's length away and maybe that wasn't a good idea. But she couldn't very well put herself out there now. She couldn't just throw all her best friends away and make new ones, that would be absurd. She didn't want to think it, but in a way, she felt trapped. As much as she loved Taylor and as much as she loved Ike and Nikki and Zac and Kate and the rest of the Hansons, she felt trapped.
She hadn't realized how quiet she'd become until Tay leaned over and nudged her with his shoulder. "Hey," he said softly. "You're awful quiet over there."
"Oh," she smiled nervously, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Um, sorry."
He looked at her with understanding and he lifted her hand and kissed it. She smiled at him as he went back to his conversation. As he and Ike and Zac talked animatedly about the tour coming up, Nikki and Kate chased the kids and prepared to take them inside. Mel supposed she could help them wrangle the little ones up, but her heart just wasn't in it and they seemed to have it under control. So, once again, she found herself alone with her thoughts.
Tay had expressed genuine regret in her decision to end her friendship with Jason and it confused her. She had been totally convinced that this would be what he wanted. Or maybe it was and he just didn't want to say it.
She knew that time would heal her. She just had to get there. She would feel awful for awhile, but she knew what she did was best for both her and Jason. Jason couldn't keep destroying all his relationships and she couldn't continue to need him the way she did. She had Tay. That's what he was there for. And to put herself in Tay's shoes was painful enough. She knew that Jason was the source of his distrust. She knew Jason made him uncomfortable. She knew that as long as Jason stayed around, he would always remain a threat. So she had to do it. She had to make the ultimate sacrifice to save her relationship. She loved Tay too much to lose him.
But it didn't keep her from regretting her decision. She would always regret her decision. She would always miss Jason, she would always think about him, she would always wonder where and how he was--but worst of all, she would always wonder what might have been. She couldn't help but entertain the thought. What if she'd given in? What if she'd given him a chance? Would she have been happy? Would it have felt right?
She knew the answers to her questions.
What would it have been like? Life with Jason? Always on the run, from one country to another, filming movie after movie? She knew she would travel. She knew she would see the world. He would never leave her at home, she knew that wouldn't be an option. What would it have been like, meeting his Hawaiian family? Adopting their customs? Learning their ways of life? Mel was a city girl--she looked at Tay and she was home--they were alike that way. Could she have adapted to Jason's family's traditions? Then again, Jason was only half Hawaiian. He never talked about the white side of his family. Maybe they lived in Hawaii, too? She didn't know. Curiously, she had never met his family. Would they have been accepting of her? Would they have welcomed her as one of their own like Walker and Diana did?
Would she have been able to have a career? Of course she would, Jason wouldn't have allowed her not to follow her dreams. And how would she feel about living in LA? She knew that when he wasn't filming, that's where he was. She'd been to LA on multiple occasions and she hadn't been impressed. New York was her home away from Tulsa. She couldn't imagine living anywhere else.
Mel imagined she had been lost in her thoughts longer than she thought because she suddenly found her and Tay alone outside by the fire. When had Ike and Zac left? Where did they go?
Tay moved closer to her and he let his hand slide gently down her back till it rested around her waist. "Hey," he said to her quietly as he sat shoulder-to-shoulder with her. "I know what you're feeling right now."
She could only look back at him.
"I just--I know I've said this already but I just want you to know--what you did was--I can't begin to tell you what a gesture like that means to me. That was--it was a major sacrifice on your part. I'm still not saying I agree with it, but the gesture in itself was--I just can't believe someone would do something like that for--for--"
"It had to be done."
Tay glanced shamefully down at the ground before he looked into her eyes again. "Can you--can you promise me something? Can you promise me that you won't regret marrying me?"
Mel looked at him in shock. "What? I--no. I would never--why would I regret marrying you? It's the only thing I ever wanted. Are you serious?"
He looked hard into her eyes, the nerves showing all over his face. "I just--I know I'm not him. I'm not always the most eloquent and I'm not always the most sure of myself and--well, I don't have the confidence that he has or the ability to fix everything for you like he seems to, but--I do love you. I love you SO much. And you're hurting right now and it kills me--"
"I'll be okay--"
"But I don't want you to resent me. I don't want you to regret marrying me and I don't want you to resent me. Mel, I swear to God I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you. I WILL make you happy. I promise you I will."
She stared back into his eyes, watching the flames reflect in them for a moment before she spoke. "Tay, I've never once doubted marrying you or my life with you or my love for you or anything. Ever. But, honestly, I've already thrown my best friend away. I don't know WHAT ELSE to say to make this better for you. I just--I just don't. I love you. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here right now. I don't have all the answers, either. I want so badly to help you with whatever it is you're going through, but I just don't know how. And I know that's probably the wrong answer here but I don't have another one. Why don't YOU tell ME what I'm supposed to do now?"
He looked back at her, taking her hands in his, tightly. Tight enough for her to notice. Then his eyes darted around the air around her. "I think I have a problem," he said nervously.
Mel narrowed her eyes at him, not understanding him. "Um, how so...?"
"I think...I think I need to talk to someone...beyond Pastor Bradley..."
"Are--are you sure?"
His eyes darted back into hers. "I don't know."
"Well--um--why don't you try me first?"
"Because I don't know what to say."
"So how are you so sure you have a problem?"
"I don't know."
"I'm very confused."
"So am I."
Mel's heart pounded in fear. It was like a switch went off in him. He was borderline neurotic right now. "So...um--why don't you just try?"
He looked around them. "Right now?"
Mel shrugged. "There's nobody out here."
He hesitated before he opened his mouth. "I talked to Pastor Bradley while you were in Chicago."
She raised an eyebrow. "Before our last session?"
"Yes."
"How did that happen?"
He took a deep breath. "I got--I got scared. When you ran off to Chicago the way you did. I got nervous and I got scared and I felt like I needed to talk."
"Really..."
"Yes. And he thinks that maybe the extent of my issues aren't Jason--that maybe they stemmed from something before he came along."
Mel felt the hairs stand up on the back of her neck and her spine seemed to straighten as a reflex. She found herself on the defensive so hard it hurt her body. She had NO idea what to think in this moment. Would this knowledge have kept her from ending her friendship? Well, it certainly hadn't kept her from kissing him and that was ultimately why she called it quits in the first place. Still...
"Mel, when we were kids, we lost touch. I loved you and then you were gone. So when we reunited as teenagers and we got back together--I still loved you and I was so desperate to keep you and I ultimately ended up driving you away. Once again, I loved you and then you were gone. And then, as fate would have it, we met up again and I still loved you. I NEVER stopped loving you, but I just couldn't seem to keep you. And then all that Natalie mess happened and she claimed she was pregnant after you and I--and--and then I loved you and then you were gone. I don't want to love you and lose you again. I don't want to drive you away again. I want to quit messing things up but I don't know how. I just--I just want you to stay. I think--I think--I KNOW--that my trust issues aren't with you, they're with myself. I don't trust myself not to screw things up again. I'm scared."
The look on his face killed her. She hadn't seen that look since they were five on Halloween night when he was too afraid to enter the elaborately-decorated yard. It was pitiful and she couldn't handle it. Looking up, she ran her fingers through is hair and ran the back of her hand over his cheek. "There is NOTHING to be afraid of. I promise you. There are no monsters under the bed or in the closet. Be afraid of other things. Be afraid of forgetting lyrics onstage. Be afraid of guitar strings popping off in your face. Be afraid that a business deal might fall through. But don't be afraid of me or our relationship. As long as you're in this, I'm in it, too. I'm not going anywhere. I've never even considered it." She paused to take the elastic hair tie from around her wrist. Lifting his left hand, she wrapped it around his ring finger. "Forever. To have and to hold, to love and to cherish. Till death do us part," she whispered.
"I do," he whispered back.
"Don't be afraid."
"Jesus, get a room!" Zac's loud voice joked as the two other couples made their way back to the fire. He shook his head as he sat down. "Not even newlyweds yet. You kids these days..."
Mel and Tay laughed at his joke, appreciating the interruption. Surprisingly, they both seemed more at ease that night. More at ease than either one had been in a long time.
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PASTOR DEREK BRADLEY
"Pastor, your three o'clock is here," the secretary said, poking her head in the door.
Derek Bradley looked on, confused. "Um, I don't have any more appointments today..."
The secretary looked just as confused. "That's funny. She insists that she has an appointment. She says it's urgent."
Derek felt like his back was against the wall. He was a God-fearing man and he certainly didn't want to turn his back on someone in need. He glanced at his watch. But, man, he had plans with his family that evening...
"Okay, send her in, then. I'm sure I have time for one last appointment."
Derek felt the blood instantly drain from his face when she walked in the door. She smiled at him as she flipped her dark hair off her shoulder. "Hello, Derek. It's been a long time."
Derek fought for the words. "Um, Natalie. Hello. This is a surprise."
She put her purse down gently as she helped herself, daintily, into one of the chairs across his desk. "It is, isn't it?"
"So, uh, what brings you to Tulsa? Last I heard, you'd moved back to Atlanta."
"Oh, I did. But I still have people here, so I visit now and then. Were you not aware?"
He wiped his brow nervously. "Um, no, can't say that I was."
"That would figure. It's okay. I know you keep busy, what with the marriage counseling you do on the side and such. Which I find oddly ironic, really. Don't you?"
Struggling to keep his composure, he straightened up in his chair and adjusted his collar, feigning confidence. "Just doing God's work. It's what I do."
Her smile was more sickening than sweet. "Oh. I'm aware. Plenty aware."
"I have to admit that I'm surprised you came to see me."
She looked at him, plastering fake confusion on her face. "Really? I would have thought it was rather obvious, but thank you for having faith in me. Honestly. You always did...think...highly of me."
Derek was done for and he knew it. He was ready to cut to the chase. "Okay, fine. I'll bite. What do you want?"
She grinned and straightened up in her chair. "Wow, you're more receptive than I thought you'd be. I thought I'd have to get out the big guns for this."
"There's really no need."
"Aww, you're right," she pouted. "I don't think it's a good idea, either, if the star client you're counseling now knew that you slept around with his ex wife while he was out of the country." She shook her head and whispered loudly. "Wouldn't really look good on your resume."
Derek stared at Natalie hard. "Get to the point."
"Well, you see, I still love my ex husband. I miss him. We were good together. But he won't even hear me as long as she's in the picture."
"He loves her. I've seen it. They have a stronger bond than I've ever seen. And if you really loved him, you'd let him go and let him be happy."
"Don't sit there and try to counsel me, Derek. They're a disaster and you know it. *I* even know it. The entire city of Tulsa knows it. Their relationship is a ticking time bomb, don't pretend like it's not. I just--would like to be there to break his fall when it happens."
"You seem awful confident about that."
"Of course I am. Because when you tell them in their next session that you can't marry them, I'll be waiting in the wings when it all comes crashing down."
"Natalie, I don't think you know what you're getting yourself into. You're in over your head. If I don't marry them, they're just going to find someone else who will. This is despicable and I want no part in it. I'd advise you to leave my office right now."
"Think about it, Derek. You've known Tay for years. YEARS. He trusts you. He values your opinion. So what do you think is going to go through his head when he finds out that a long-time family friend doesn't think it's a good idea that he and Mel be married? It'll shatter him. He'll be full of doubt. And then he'll call off the wedding. Come now, Derek, what do you take me for? How do you think I stayed married to him for so long?" She leaned over the desk and whispered, "You gotta know how to play the game."
"Yeah? Then he divorced you."
"Only because that little bitch showed back up," she spat. Then she stood calmly and collected her purse again. "I'd advise you to think about what I said. It would only take a few words out of my mouth to ruin your career, your marriage, your relationship with your children, and ultimately your entire life. Don't forget that."
And with that, she walked out of his office.
Pastor Bradley leaned back in his chair and glanced at the picture of his family that sat on his desk. He was suddenly overcome with sweat and sickness. He should have known that his mistakes would come back to haunt him eventually.