NEW YORK STATE OF MIND
TAYLOR
Taylor lay wide awake as the sun brightened the room through the sheer curtains. Mel lay beside him. He knew she was awake but he couldn't turn his head to look at her.
He hadn't slept all night. He hadn't even dozed off. Mel, however, had slept soundly in his arms all night long. Well, up until an hour ago, when she shifted positions and turned her back to him. He knew that deep down in his subconscious that the real reason he hadn't slept had nothing to do with insomnia--it was because he didn't want to miss a single moment listening to Mel breathe or feeling her body against his. He didn't want to miss smelling her hair or touching her skin.
He also hadn't wanted morning to come.
Tay's mind had raced all night. He spent the night reflecting, mostly on the things Pastor Derek Bradley had said in comparison to the way he'd been acting lately. There was no way any of it was mere coincidence. The truth was, Tay had issues--ones more serious than he'd realized.
He opened his mouth before he'd even prepared himself for it. Into the silence of the hotel room, staring up at the ceiling, he said, "I don't think I can do this."
The moments it took for Mel to respond felt like centuries. "I know," she said quietly.
He was surprised by her response, though he knew he shouldn't have been. "You know?"
"I knew last night."
Tay was silent. He listened. He waited. For tears. For screaming. He prayed she would kill him; that she would finally make good on one of her many threats.
When nothing of the sort happened, he continued. "I just--I think we might be moving a little too fast. I think--I think Pastor Bradley was right. I don't think we're ready to get married yet. I think we should wait."
"Moving too fast? You think we're moving too fast."
"Don't you?"
Without a word, Mel got out of bed and sorted through her suitcase. Silently, she dressed and then she packed. Sitting up in the bed, Tay looked on in horror. "Mel--what are you doing?"
"Tay, I'm tired. I can't handle this anymore. I can't go through life wondering if you really love me--"
"I do love you--"
"--and I can't go through life wondering when the next time--" her voice cracked and she didn't complete the sentence. Instead, she packed with more ferocity.
Tay's heart pounded like mad. He slid himself out of the bed and dressed himself as Mel zipped up her suitcase. "Are you--you've got it wrong," he said desperately. "You're not understanding me. I only need more time--"
She turned around to look at him. "Thirty years wasn't enough time for you?"
"Mel--"
"Thirty years of indecisiveness and broken promises? Maybe you're not the only one who needs time after all."
He could only stare as she made her way toward the door with her suitcase. As she opened it, he came from behind her and stopped it with his hand. "Mel. Will you be there when I come home?"
She didn't respond.
"Mel," he pressed. "Will you be there?"
Wiggling herself out of his way, she merely glared at him and left the room. Helplessly, he watched her disappear down the hallway without looking back. Normally he would follow her, except that this time--this time he had to let her go. She was right. She couldn't go through life wondering when the next time something like this would happen. She needed security that he just couldn't give her right now. How could he take care of her if he couldn't even take care of himself?
However, it didn't stop his heart from shattering into a million pieces. He heard the door open next door and didn't have enough time to duck into his room before Zac caught him. "Hey, Tay," he said, walking over. "Didn't expect you to be up this early." Then the blood drained from Zac's face when he got a good look at him.
Unable to speak, Tay walked back into his room and Zac followed. As he passed the bathroom, something caught his eye and suddenly, he broke down. "Tay," Zac said in alarm. "What the hell is going on? Where's Mel?"
Walking into the bathroom, Zac followed, and Tay saw his eyes widen through the mirror as he saw the same thing Tay saw on the counter. Scooping his grandmother's ring off the marble, Tay held it tightly in his fist. Looking up into the mirror at himself, he was disgusted. Who the hell was this? Who the hell was this person who couldn't get a grip on his life? Who was this guy who kept a dishonest woman for ten years, but couldn't even keep the one he loved? The one he'd planned to marry?
He looked down at his fist that held the small diamond ring. Looking back up at himself in the mirror, he reared back and slammed his fist right into it, shattering the mirror and bloodying his entire hand.
"TAY!" Zac shouted, grabbing his brother's wrist in a panic. "What the hell, man?!" Grabbing a towel off of the rack, he wrapped Tay's hand and said, "Come on, we gotta go."
Holding his brother's wrist as he took him out of the room, Zac pounded on Isaac's door as they hurried down the hall. "Ike, come on, we gotta go, 911!"
As they made their way down to the lobby, Tay faintly heard conversation about a broken hand and not being able to play. But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. All he knew was that she was gone. And he had no idea if he could come back from it this time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEL
Mel sat at the airport for three hours before she was able to catch a flight back home. Home? Where the hell was that anymore? Not with Taylor, that much she knew. She couldn't cry. She knew she should have been. But she always knew it would get to this point, too. She was all cried out. Nobody ever thought that term could ever be true, but it was. She was so spent with emotion that she had completely shut down. There was no amount of tears that could ever make this better. I didn't matter if she'd cried or not. Tay had made his decision and it wouldn't change.
He had asked her if she would be there when he came home and she hadn't answered. She didn't answer because they both already knew the answer to his question.
She had to admit, she was surprised that her phone wasn't blowing up. She even checked to see if it had a charge. He didn't call her, he didn't text her--he hadn't even shown up at the airport to beg her one last time not to go. Maybe this really WAS it. Maybe he really DIDN'T want to marry her. What had changed?
She didn't go straight home when she landed in Tulsa. It was late at night, but she needed to take care of what she needed to take care of before she dwelled on it and broke herself down. Ringing Diana and Walker's doorbell at nine at night, she prayed they wouldn't get mad at her for being there so late.
When Diana answered the door and expressed surprise in seeing her, Mel fought to keep her composure. She cleared her throat. "Um, I, uh, I wanted to thank Zoe for keeping Fred for me...and I wanted to see if she might be interested in keeping him--for good? Since he spends so much time with her anyway and--well it's really not healthy for cats to be so unstable..."
Alarm crossed Diana's face and she pulled Mel into the house. "No. No, no, no, sweetie, come in here. Come in here and talk to me. You're supposed to be on tour with the boys, why are you here?"
Diana, more or less, forced Mel onto the sofa in the living room and sat next to her. "What's going on?"
Mel dropped her head in shame. "Um...there's--we--the wedding isn't going to happen."
"Oh, honey, no...I mean, maybe if you just talk to him. Work it out--"
Mel shook her head. "It was his idea."
"Well you know what kinds of crazy things he says in the heat of the moment--"
"We weren't fighting. It was a thought-out, educated decision."
"Mel..."
She looked at Diana. "Look, I know you guys are really close as a family and you really don't need me telling you this, but--look out for him. Okay? He really needs everyone right now. He may or may not know it, but he does."
"Melody, honey--he needs you..."
Mel shook her head as the tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm not so sure he does."
"Surely you don't agree..."
"I don't. But I'm not going to force him into a marriage he doesn't want to be in. He's already been through that once."
Diana looked at her, her eyes wide. "I just--I don't know what to say. The mother in me wants to fix it, but I know you're adults and--and how do you get three months away from getting married just to throw it all away?"
"That's a question for your son."
"So what happens now?"
Mel swallowed a lump in her throat. "I'm going back to New York. Clear my head for awhile. Go from there. I mean, I still have a lot here, so--I won't be gone forever. But I do need to disappear for awhile."
Diana smiled sadly at her, fighting back tears of her own. "Well, then. You do whatever you have to do. I love you like my own daughter and I'll support you in whatever decision you make. Okay? And don't you worry about that cat. Zoe loves him and will be pleased as punch to have him. Don't you ever be a stranger. Don't you dare disappear for another ten years like you did the first time."
Smiling through her tears, Mel hugged Diana before she made her exit. She dreaded having to go home.
-------------------------
Some folks like to get away
Take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood
But I'm taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line
I'm in a New York state of mind
I've seen all the movie stars
In their fancy cars and their limousines
Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens
But I know what I'm needing
And I don't want to waste more time
I'm in a New York state of mind
It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, The Daily News
It comes down to reality
And it's fine with me cause I've let it slide
I don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I've left them all behind
I'm in a New York state of mind
The next day, after absolutely no sleep, Mel stepped out of her cab in New York City. In the past, she could merely run away to the city and everything would instantly be better. But not this time. This time she arrived to the city completely alone. No Taylor, no Drew, no Jason--not even Manuel, who had headed back to Puerto Rico ages ago. Mel was completely and utterly alone, without so much as her cat to keep her company anymore. She had officially succeeded in running everybody off. Who on Earth lived a more miserable existence? Hell, even criminal scum of the earth had each other.
As quickly as possible, Mel had packed up what she could in as many suitcases as she could fit it all in and hauled the load to the airport. After the building's doorman, along with the gracious cab driver, helped her haul her luggage up to the condo, Mel walked in even more miserable than before. She stood in the middle of the living room and gazed at the bay window--the place Tay had sat when he'd--and then she glanced to her right toward the bedroom--the last time she was here they'd shared the bed when--
She closed her eyes to try to repress the memories. How bad was it that she was already attempting to suppress memories? She wished there was a button that could just make them all go away. She didn't want to remember. She didn't want to feel. She didn't want to miss him.
Not even bothering to unpack her luggage, she curled up on the sofa in the silent apartment, filled with daylight, and looked around. Where would she go now? What would she do? She literally had the world at her fingertips. How would she keep busy? She had money. She had freedom. Nothing to hold her back and tie her down. Why not? Why not travel? See the world? It was something she'd always wanted to do.
Then she remembered hers and Tay's conversation several months ago about their honeymoon and possibly touring Europe to see ancient castles. The memory caused her to sink down into the sofa and curl her knees up to her chest in the fetal position. How could she even think about traveling when simply living wasn't even appealing to her?
She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until she woke up the next morning. She had slept for fourteen hours straight. It had been light outside when she went to sleep and light outside when she'd woken up. Was this how it was going to be now? All she would do was sleep?
Mel had no desire for fresh air, that much she knew. She called and had her groceries delivered. She wouldn't even open a window or set foot on her balcony. Letting fresh air in meant leaving herself open and vulnerable to the world. And all she really wanted was to burrow into this apartment and fade out of existence and blissfully into obscurity. She wanted to disappear.
She sat in the spot on the sofa that she had seemingly taken up permanent residence in, flipping channels on the television, when her phone rang. Picking it up, she saw it was Taylor and it crossed her mind not to answer. She was honestly surprised that he was calling and equally as surprised at herself for giving in and answering. "Um, hey," she said quietly.
"Hey," he answered, hesitantly.
She had no idea what to say next. Not even a clue. Hearing his voice was bad enough. Her heart ached and she missed him so much. But to let him know it--not an option.
Thankfully, he continued. "So, uh, I came home and you, uh...you left. You left me."
"If you want to get technical, you said you don't want to marry me, so--why would I stick around for more false hope?"
"I never said I didn't WANT to marry you. I only said I needed time--"
"Which, for you, translates into 'it's not gonna happen.' I've been there, remember? Except the last time you did it, you turned around and decided to renew your vows to your wife. Guess I'm glad there isn't another woman involved this time. Unless..." It dawned on Mel and she didn't even want to say it. She couldn't even fathom it. "Unless you miss Natalie..."
"No," he said firmly. "There is no chance in this universe that this would ever have anything to do with her."
"Then what is it, Tay? What is it about me that makes you feel like it's so easy to throw me away all the time?"
"I wish you wouldn't say that."
"It's the truth, isn't it? How can you say you love me so much but never want to keep me?"
"Because, Mel--*I* am the problem here. I am."
"Why aren't you on the road? Why are you even home?"
Tay sighed into the phone. "I--I broke my hand."
"How did you manage that?"
"That's--that's not the point. The point is, I walked into an empty house and--I just miss you so damn much." He started to cry and in spite of herself, tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't do shit, Mel. I'm sitting here with this damn splint on my hand. We had to cancel the tour, I come home and you've left me--you even gave the cat to my sister. I came home to nothing."
"So did I," she said quietly. "Except I came home to way more nothing than you did. You have your family. You have tons of support. I have my parents--and they're not exactly pleased at the moment. I have nothing, Tay. You take me on tour, treat me like shit, tell me you can't marry me and then have the audacity to cry to ME over who has what? Did you know that the day before you dumped me, I bought your wedding ring?"
She heard his tears become louder on the other end of the phone.
"You did this to yourself," she found herself saying, suddenly cold. "I can't have sympathy for you. I just can't."
"Please, just--just be there for me. I'm begging you to be there for me."
"For what? For what? Tay, I just--I can't do this right now. I can't. I just can't. I can't talk to you right now. We're just gonna sit here and talk in circles and then end up fighting and I can't do it."
"Please don't hang up. Please. I need you."
"I needed you, too, and you decided not to be with me. Again. I'm sorry."
As much as it pained her, she hung up the phone. She was pissed off at herself and at him. Completely angry. How dare he call her and make her wonder if maybe she was overreacting? How dare he make her question whether she was in the wrong here or not? He was the one who'd said he couldn't marry her. So why was she, once again, feeling like it was all her fault?
She could go home. She could give in to his tears and be there for him like he begged her to be. She didn't understand how he could have the gall to beg her to be there after he single-handedly shattered her heart and her dreams. How could a person be so selfish? She knew if she went home, he would get what he wanted--he would have his cake and eat it, too. That she would give in to him and he would be just as happy, once again, taking her for granted and never marrying her. It just wouldn't happen for them. If only they'd eloped like she'd suggested so many times before...
No. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. This was the last straw. For her own sanity, she couldn't go back to him, she couldn't give in. She couldn't be such a glutton for punishment anymore. She couldn't go back to him and allow him to lead her on anymore. No matter how bad she wanted to.
Sinking back down into the couch, she let her mind wander. She shouldn't have done it, but she couldn't help it. She thought about their last night together, two nights ago. It was magic. It was amazing. Even though her heartstrings tugged through it all and even though she felt the underlying doom that lay in wait at the pit of her stomach, it had been amazing. She knew. She knew when she took him in her arms, when she kissed him, when she made love to him--she knew it was the last time. And it had been beautiful.
In spite of herself, her eyes stared at the ceiling as she recounted that night. She recounted every sound, every touch, every look in his eyes. She remembered the way his head fell back on the pillow and how she couldn't stop touching his beautiful neck. She remembered the way he held her, the way he kissed her, the way he wanted her--that night he'd wanted her. And in mere hours--in mere hours--
The tears broke through, finally. After two days, the tears finally flowed. Mel sobbed loudly, pounding her fist into the upholstery below her. She was so hurt, so broken, and so angry. So angry. So alone. She didn't want to love him anymore. She didn't want to miss him, she didn't want to feel sorry for him, she didn't want to hold him in her arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. She didn't want any of those things and it made her more angry that she did.
Once again, Mel cried herself to sleep. She felt her stomach rumble as her eyes grew heavy and she realized she hadn't eaten in nearly two days, despite having the groceries delivered. She made a mental note to munch on something later, but only after she woke up. She just--she just needed to sleep.
TAYLOR
Taylor lay wide awake as the sun brightened the room through the sheer curtains. Mel lay beside him. He knew she was awake but he couldn't turn his head to look at her.
He hadn't slept all night. He hadn't even dozed off. Mel, however, had slept soundly in his arms all night long. Well, up until an hour ago, when she shifted positions and turned her back to him. He knew that deep down in his subconscious that the real reason he hadn't slept had nothing to do with insomnia--it was because he didn't want to miss a single moment listening to Mel breathe or feeling her body against his. He didn't want to miss smelling her hair or touching her skin.
He also hadn't wanted morning to come.
Tay's mind had raced all night. He spent the night reflecting, mostly on the things Pastor Derek Bradley had said in comparison to the way he'd been acting lately. There was no way any of it was mere coincidence. The truth was, Tay had issues--ones more serious than he'd realized.
He opened his mouth before he'd even prepared himself for it. Into the silence of the hotel room, staring up at the ceiling, he said, "I don't think I can do this."
The moments it took for Mel to respond felt like centuries. "I know," she said quietly.
He was surprised by her response, though he knew he shouldn't have been. "You know?"
"I knew last night."
Tay was silent. He listened. He waited. For tears. For screaming. He prayed she would kill him; that she would finally make good on one of her many threats.
When nothing of the sort happened, he continued. "I just--I think we might be moving a little too fast. I think--I think Pastor Bradley was right. I don't think we're ready to get married yet. I think we should wait."
"Moving too fast? You think we're moving too fast."
"Don't you?"
Without a word, Mel got out of bed and sorted through her suitcase. Silently, she dressed and then she packed. Sitting up in the bed, Tay looked on in horror. "Mel--what are you doing?"
"Tay, I'm tired. I can't handle this anymore. I can't go through life wondering if you really love me--"
"I do love you--"
"--and I can't go through life wondering when the next time--" her voice cracked and she didn't complete the sentence. Instead, she packed with more ferocity.
Tay's heart pounded like mad. He slid himself out of the bed and dressed himself as Mel zipped up her suitcase. "Are you--you've got it wrong," he said desperately. "You're not understanding me. I only need more time--"
She turned around to look at him. "Thirty years wasn't enough time for you?"
"Mel--"
"Thirty years of indecisiveness and broken promises? Maybe you're not the only one who needs time after all."
He could only stare as she made her way toward the door with her suitcase. As she opened it, he came from behind her and stopped it with his hand. "Mel. Will you be there when I come home?"
She didn't respond.
"Mel," he pressed. "Will you be there?"
Wiggling herself out of his way, she merely glared at him and left the room. Helplessly, he watched her disappear down the hallway without looking back. Normally he would follow her, except that this time--this time he had to let her go. She was right. She couldn't go through life wondering when the next time something like this would happen. She needed security that he just couldn't give her right now. How could he take care of her if he couldn't even take care of himself?
However, it didn't stop his heart from shattering into a million pieces. He heard the door open next door and didn't have enough time to duck into his room before Zac caught him. "Hey, Tay," he said, walking over. "Didn't expect you to be up this early." Then the blood drained from Zac's face when he got a good look at him.
Unable to speak, Tay walked back into his room and Zac followed. As he passed the bathroom, something caught his eye and suddenly, he broke down. "Tay," Zac said in alarm. "What the hell is going on? Where's Mel?"
Walking into the bathroom, Zac followed, and Tay saw his eyes widen through the mirror as he saw the same thing Tay saw on the counter. Scooping his grandmother's ring off the marble, Tay held it tightly in his fist. Looking up into the mirror at himself, he was disgusted. Who the hell was this? Who the hell was this person who couldn't get a grip on his life? Who was this guy who kept a dishonest woman for ten years, but couldn't even keep the one he loved? The one he'd planned to marry?
He looked down at his fist that held the small diamond ring. Looking back up at himself in the mirror, he reared back and slammed his fist right into it, shattering the mirror and bloodying his entire hand.
"TAY!" Zac shouted, grabbing his brother's wrist in a panic. "What the hell, man?!" Grabbing a towel off of the rack, he wrapped Tay's hand and said, "Come on, we gotta go."
Holding his brother's wrist as he took him out of the room, Zac pounded on Isaac's door as they hurried down the hall. "Ike, come on, we gotta go, 911!"
As they made their way down to the lobby, Tay faintly heard conversation about a broken hand and not being able to play. But he didn't care. He didn't care about anything anymore. All he knew was that she was gone. And he had no idea if he could come back from it this time.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEL
Mel sat at the airport for three hours before she was able to catch a flight back home. Home? Where the hell was that anymore? Not with Taylor, that much she knew. She couldn't cry. She knew she should have been. But she always knew it would get to this point, too. She was all cried out. Nobody ever thought that term could ever be true, but it was. She was so spent with emotion that she had completely shut down. There was no amount of tears that could ever make this better. I didn't matter if she'd cried or not. Tay had made his decision and it wouldn't change.
He had asked her if she would be there when he came home and she hadn't answered. She didn't answer because they both already knew the answer to his question.
She had to admit, she was surprised that her phone wasn't blowing up. She even checked to see if it had a charge. He didn't call her, he didn't text her--he hadn't even shown up at the airport to beg her one last time not to go. Maybe this really WAS it. Maybe he really DIDN'T want to marry her. What had changed?
She didn't go straight home when she landed in Tulsa. It was late at night, but she needed to take care of what she needed to take care of before she dwelled on it and broke herself down. Ringing Diana and Walker's doorbell at nine at night, she prayed they wouldn't get mad at her for being there so late.
When Diana answered the door and expressed surprise in seeing her, Mel fought to keep her composure. She cleared her throat. "Um, I, uh, I wanted to thank Zoe for keeping Fred for me...and I wanted to see if she might be interested in keeping him--for good? Since he spends so much time with her anyway and--well it's really not healthy for cats to be so unstable..."
Alarm crossed Diana's face and she pulled Mel into the house. "No. No, no, no, sweetie, come in here. Come in here and talk to me. You're supposed to be on tour with the boys, why are you here?"
Diana, more or less, forced Mel onto the sofa in the living room and sat next to her. "What's going on?"
Mel dropped her head in shame. "Um...there's--we--the wedding isn't going to happen."
"Oh, honey, no...I mean, maybe if you just talk to him. Work it out--"
Mel shook her head. "It was his idea."
"Well you know what kinds of crazy things he says in the heat of the moment--"
"We weren't fighting. It was a thought-out, educated decision."
"Mel..."
She looked at Diana. "Look, I know you guys are really close as a family and you really don't need me telling you this, but--look out for him. Okay? He really needs everyone right now. He may or may not know it, but he does."
"Melody, honey--he needs you..."
Mel shook her head as the tears welled up in her eyes. "I'm not so sure he does."
"Surely you don't agree..."
"I don't. But I'm not going to force him into a marriage he doesn't want to be in. He's already been through that once."
Diana looked at her, her eyes wide. "I just--I don't know what to say. The mother in me wants to fix it, but I know you're adults and--and how do you get three months away from getting married just to throw it all away?"
"That's a question for your son."
"So what happens now?"
Mel swallowed a lump in her throat. "I'm going back to New York. Clear my head for awhile. Go from there. I mean, I still have a lot here, so--I won't be gone forever. But I do need to disappear for awhile."
Diana smiled sadly at her, fighting back tears of her own. "Well, then. You do whatever you have to do. I love you like my own daughter and I'll support you in whatever decision you make. Okay? And don't you worry about that cat. Zoe loves him and will be pleased as punch to have him. Don't you ever be a stranger. Don't you dare disappear for another ten years like you did the first time."
Smiling through her tears, Mel hugged Diana before she made her exit. She dreaded having to go home.
-------------------------
Some folks like to get away
Take a holiday from the neighborhood
Hop a flight to Miami Beach or to Hollywood
But I'm taking a Greyhound on the Hudson River Line
I'm in a New York state of mind
I've seen all the movie stars
In their fancy cars and their limousines
Been high in the Rockies under the evergreens
But I know what I'm needing
And I don't want to waste more time
I'm in a New York state of mind
It was so easy living day by day
Out of touch with the rhythm and blues
But now I need a little give and take
The New York Times, The Daily News
It comes down to reality
And it's fine with me cause I've let it slide
I don't care if it's Chinatown or on Riverside
I don't have any reasons
I've left them all behind
I'm in a New York state of mind
The next day, after absolutely no sleep, Mel stepped out of her cab in New York City. In the past, she could merely run away to the city and everything would instantly be better. But not this time. This time she arrived to the city completely alone. No Taylor, no Drew, no Jason--not even Manuel, who had headed back to Puerto Rico ages ago. Mel was completely and utterly alone, without so much as her cat to keep her company anymore. She had officially succeeded in running everybody off. Who on Earth lived a more miserable existence? Hell, even criminal scum of the earth had each other.
As quickly as possible, Mel had packed up what she could in as many suitcases as she could fit it all in and hauled the load to the airport. After the building's doorman, along with the gracious cab driver, helped her haul her luggage up to the condo, Mel walked in even more miserable than before. She stood in the middle of the living room and gazed at the bay window--the place Tay had sat when he'd--and then she glanced to her right toward the bedroom--the last time she was here they'd shared the bed when--
She closed her eyes to try to repress the memories. How bad was it that she was already attempting to suppress memories? She wished there was a button that could just make them all go away. She didn't want to remember. She didn't want to feel. She didn't want to miss him.
Not even bothering to unpack her luggage, she curled up on the sofa in the silent apartment, filled with daylight, and looked around. Where would she go now? What would she do? She literally had the world at her fingertips. How would she keep busy? She had money. She had freedom. Nothing to hold her back and tie her down. Why not? Why not travel? See the world? It was something she'd always wanted to do.
Then she remembered hers and Tay's conversation several months ago about their honeymoon and possibly touring Europe to see ancient castles. The memory caused her to sink down into the sofa and curl her knees up to her chest in the fetal position. How could she even think about traveling when simply living wasn't even appealing to her?
She hadn't realized she'd fallen asleep until she woke up the next morning. She had slept for fourteen hours straight. It had been light outside when she went to sleep and light outside when she'd woken up. Was this how it was going to be now? All she would do was sleep?
Mel had no desire for fresh air, that much she knew. She called and had her groceries delivered. She wouldn't even open a window or set foot on her balcony. Letting fresh air in meant leaving herself open and vulnerable to the world. And all she really wanted was to burrow into this apartment and fade out of existence and blissfully into obscurity. She wanted to disappear.
She sat in the spot on the sofa that she had seemingly taken up permanent residence in, flipping channels on the television, when her phone rang. Picking it up, she saw it was Taylor and it crossed her mind not to answer. She was honestly surprised that he was calling and equally as surprised at herself for giving in and answering. "Um, hey," she said quietly.
"Hey," he answered, hesitantly.
She had no idea what to say next. Not even a clue. Hearing his voice was bad enough. Her heart ached and she missed him so much. But to let him know it--not an option.
Thankfully, he continued. "So, uh, I came home and you, uh...you left. You left me."
"If you want to get technical, you said you don't want to marry me, so--why would I stick around for more false hope?"
"I never said I didn't WANT to marry you. I only said I needed time--"
"Which, for you, translates into 'it's not gonna happen.' I've been there, remember? Except the last time you did it, you turned around and decided to renew your vows to your wife. Guess I'm glad there isn't another woman involved this time. Unless..." It dawned on Mel and she didn't even want to say it. She couldn't even fathom it. "Unless you miss Natalie..."
"No," he said firmly. "There is no chance in this universe that this would ever have anything to do with her."
"Then what is it, Tay? What is it about me that makes you feel like it's so easy to throw me away all the time?"
"I wish you wouldn't say that."
"It's the truth, isn't it? How can you say you love me so much but never want to keep me?"
"Because, Mel--*I* am the problem here. I am."
"Why aren't you on the road? Why are you even home?"
Tay sighed into the phone. "I--I broke my hand."
"How did you manage that?"
"That's--that's not the point. The point is, I walked into an empty house and--I just miss you so damn much." He started to cry and in spite of herself, tears welled up in her eyes. "I can't do shit, Mel. I'm sitting here with this damn splint on my hand. We had to cancel the tour, I come home and you've left me--you even gave the cat to my sister. I came home to nothing."
"So did I," she said quietly. "Except I came home to way more nothing than you did. You have your family. You have tons of support. I have my parents--and they're not exactly pleased at the moment. I have nothing, Tay. You take me on tour, treat me like shit, tell me you can't marry me and then have the audacity to cry to ME over who has what? Did you know that the day before you dumped me, I bought your wedding ring?"
She heard his tears become louder on the other end of the phone.
"You did this to yourself," she found herself saying, suddenly cold. "I can't have sympathy for you. I just can't."
"Please, just--just be there for me. I'm begging you to be there for me."
"For what? For what? Tay, I just--I can't do this right now. I can't. I just can't. I can't talk to you right now. We're just gonna sit here and talk in circles and then end up fighting and I can't do it."
"Please don't hang up. Please. I need you."
"I needed you, too, and you decided not to be with me. Again. I'm sorry."
As much as it pained her, she hung up the phone. She was pissed off at herself and at him. Completely angry. How dare he call her and make her wonder if maybe she was overreacting? How dare he make her question whether she was in the wrong here or not? He was the one who'd said he couldn't marry her. So why was she, once again, feeling like it was all her fault?
She could go home. She could give in to his tears and be there for him like he begged her to be. She didn't understand how he could have the gall to beg her to be there after he single-handedly shattered her heart and her dreams. How could a person be so selfish? She knew if she went home, he would get what he wanted--he would have his cake and eat it, too. That she would give in to him and he would be just as happy, once again, taking her for granted and never marrying her. It just wouldn't happen for them. If only they'd eloped like she'd suggested so many times before...
No. She couldn't do it. She just couldn't. This was the last straw. For her own sanity, she couldn't go back to him, she couldn't give in. She couldn't be such a glutton for punishment anymore. She couldn't go back to him and allow him to lead her on anymore. No matter how bad she wanted to.
Sinking back down into the couch, she let her mind wander. She shouldn't have done it, but she couldn't help it. She thought about their last night together, two nights ago. It was magic. It was amazing. Even though her heartstrings tugged through it all and even though she felt the underlying doom that lay in wait at the pit of her stomach, it had been amazing. She knew. She knew when she took him in her arms, when she kissed him, when she made love to him--she knew it was the last time. And it had been beautiful.
In spite of herself, her eyes stared at the ceiling as she recounted that night. She recounted every sound, every touch, every look in his eyes. She remembered the way his head fell back on the pillow and how she couldn't stop touching his beautiful neck. She remembered the way he held her, the way he kissed her, the way he wanted her--that night he'd wanted her. And in mere hours--in mere hours--
The tears broke through, finally. After two days, the tears finally flowed. Mel sobbed loudly, pounding her fist into the upholstery below her. She was so hurt, so broken, and so angry. So angry. So alone. She didn't want to love him anymore. She didn't want to miss him, she didn't want to feel sorry for him, she didn't want to hold him in her arms and tell him everything was going to be okay. She didn't want any of those things and it made her more angry that she did.
Once again, Mel cried herself to sleep. She felt her stomach rumble as her eyes grew heavy and she realized she hadn't eaten in nearly two days, despite having the groceries delivered. She made a mental note to munch on something later, but only after she woke up. She just--she just needed to sleep.