YOU'RE MY DOWNFALL, YOU'RE MY MUSE
MEL
Normally, this was the part where Mel called Jason.
She wasn't near stupid enough to tell him what had actually happened, but she would have called him. He would have talked reason into her and then everything would have been okay.
Except now she had nobody to turn to.
Taylor had tried to get into the room. He had knocked, pleaded, wiggled the knob--lord help him, he had tried. But she couldn't. She just couldn't let him in.
Mostly he apologized. She knew he was sitting on the floor outside the door. It was their normal stance when she locked herself in a room. And she only knew this because she could hear where his voice was in accordance to the door.
What had happened back there? It was almost like she didn't know who he was. Everything was great at first, and then--and then he just wouldn't listen. Truth be told, she would have been into it had it not started to hurt. When pain turned to fear, shit suddenly got real and she'd had enough. But he hadn't. He hadn't had enough. He had gone until he'd had enough, regardless of how she felt about it.
Had he raped her? By the technical definition of the term? Is that what had happened?
She decided he hadn't. He couldn't. He could never.
Never.
He sounded so pitiful out there. She wanted to let him in but part of her just couldn't bring herself to do it. She just couldn't. She had to figure this out. She didn't understand it. They were in their thirties now. They loved each other. This kind of thing didn't just HAPPEN anymore.
It was nearly three in the morning when she finally decided to unlock the door and step out of the room. She hadn't slept at all. She stood in the hallway in the dark apartment, quiet and still. She had no idea what to do next or why she even left the room to begin with.
Quietly, in her bare feet, she stepped carefully over the hardwood floor and into the living room. It was dark, but plenty of light flooded in through the curtainless, panoramic window as the moon over the East River painted a perfect portrait over the lights of the city.
Tay sat in the window seat. He looked out the window, his knees up, his ankles crossed underneath him. As his right elbow rested on his right knee, his left hand gently set the beer bottle down beside him. He didn't even turn around when she entered the room. "Have you slept?" he asked her.
"No," she answered quietly.
"Neither have I."
Mel didn't move. She fidgeted with her hands and then hugged herself as nervous chills produced goose bumps on her arms.
"It's beautiful out there tonight," he continued quietly, never moving, never turning around.
"It always is," she responded.
"The moon's full."
"That's not normal this time of the month."
"It is now."
"What is normal, Tay?"
Slowly and carefully, never turning around, he sipped his beer and set it back down. "I have no idea."
Despite his awkward seating position, he was beautiful in the moonlight. Mel knew that part of the reason why she didn't move immediately was because she only wanted to look at him. She could only see the back of his white t-shirt and his disheveled hair but it didn't matter. He had always been beautiful and he would remain beautiful until he was old and gray and then he'd be more beautiful then.
Finally, she quietly stepped closer, making her way toward the window where he was. "I think, maybe...maybe I didn't communicate so clearly...earlier...as I should have..."
"Doesn't matter," he said. "It would have happened the same way, regardless."
Carefully, she made her way next to him and took a seat with her back to the window. He didn't acknowledge her presence. As he reached for his beer, she stopped him by his wrist and removed the beer from his hand, replacing it with her own hand. His head dropped in front of him.
"Tay," she whispered. "Please look at me."
Finally, he turned his head. His eyes looked into hers amidst the moonlight. She reached up and softly touched his cheek. He closed his eyes and turned his face into her hand, kissing her palm. "Why are you still here?" he asked quietly.
"Because you're a good man."
"I'm a monster."
"You're perfect."
He scoffed lightly and turned his gaze back out the window.
Mel looked down at her now empty hands as he now placed both of his elbows on his knees, crossing his arms over them. Turning to the side, she turned her head to look out the window with him. "Full moon or not, it is beautiful out there."
"It always is," he said, reprising her comment from earlier.
"I remember the first time I got an aerial view of the city at roughly this altitude." She looked back at him as the moonlight shined on his face. "It was sitting next to you on the plane. You let me have the window seat because I'd never seen the city before."
Taylor didn't respond.
"Tay," she continued. "Are--are we okay?"
Finally he looked at her, glancing down at her hand as he took it in his. "Yeah," he answered. "Yeah. We're okay."
"I forgive you."
"You shouldn't."
"But I do."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
He raised her hand to his lips and then he turned his attention back to the window.
"Come to bed," she whispered.
"I can't sleep."
"I couldn't, either, but as long as we're together we'll be okay."
He turned to look at her once more. "Okay."
And then he came down from his perch and allowed Mel to lead him into their bedroom.
-----------------------
Three weeks flew by FAST. At this point, the only reason Mel was even leaving with the guys was because she had already made a prior commitment to do so. After shutting up her luggage underneath and carrying on what she needed to have with her, she stepped onto the bus with a flood of memories coming back to her. Few of them good, most of them ones she didn't want to remember, and a couple that should have never happened.
Their first day would be spent on the road. They had a show the next day, but for today they traveled. She knew the first day on the bus would be unrelenting and she'd been right. It had been many years since the last time she found herself on a tour bus and her stomach wasn't having any of it.
Darkness had fallen when her stomach had given up hope. Taylor didn't even ask her if she was okay when she came out of the bathroom. As a matter of fact, he didn't even notice she'd left the room, apparently. When she came back, he was still deep in the exact same conversation he'd been in for the past hour with Isaac and the bassist.
As Zac sat and played his video game on the main screen in the common area, he eyed Mel as she walked past and took a seat alone near the window. Pausing his game, he turned around and looked over the sofa. "Hey. You okay?" he asked her.
She smiled and nodded at him.
Scooting over, he patted the seat next to him. "Come sit right here."
Glancing hesitantly over at Tay, who was still lost in his own world, Mel accepted Zac's offer, and changed seats. "You gonna be okay?" he asked her again.
"Yeah. I haven't been on a bus since the last time I toured with you guys."
"That's a long time."
Mel found herself glancing over at Tay again.
"He's all business when we come out like this," Zac said, as if on cue. "At least for the first part, anyway. Once he loosens up and we get used to it, it'll be okay. Don't worry."
"It's not the tour I'm worried about," she mumbled.
Finally, Zac relented his game controller to the table in front of him. "You wanna talk about it?"
Finally tearing her gaze away from her fiancée, she looked over at Zac and said quietly, "He's different."
"Different how?"
She shook her head. "I'm not sure."
"Are you guys fighting again?"
"Worse."
"Not speaking?"
"We're speaking, it's just like--it feels like giving up."
"Who's giving up?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Honestly? I think you're both nervous about the wedding. It's normal."
"I've been married before. It didn't feel anything like this."
"Well, it's different for everybody."
"I haven't bought his ring yet."
Zac looked at her in alarm. "Are you serious?"
"We get married in three months and I haven't even bought his ring yet. There is SO much left to do and--Zac, we haven't done ANYTHING pertaining to the wedding in almost a month."
"Mel..."
"Yeah..."
Zac sighed and propped his feet up on the table in front of him and rested his arm on the back of the sofa behind Mel's head.
"ZAC," Tay's voice suddenly came out of nowhere.
Startled, Zac looked around Mel at his brother. "Huh?"
"I think you're presence is needed in this conversation."
"I don't even know what you're talking about."
"All the more reason."
"Well, what we're talking about doesn't really have anything to do with him..." the bassist trailed off.
Tay kept his eyes glued on his brother. "It doesn't matter, I think we should all be on the same page at all times."
"Well, duty calls," Zac said to Mel as he changed seats.
Tay glared at him as he took a seat around the other table. Then he glanced at Mel before going back to his conversation.
She was so alone.
----------------------------
It was late. Extremely late. Everyone had gone to bed, including Taylor. Mel sat alone, in the common area, on a sofa by the window in the dark. All she did was cry lately. She was growing so exhausted of the crying. She cried constantly. Who cried this much? Who went through this much shit? She knew what would happen once she was all cried out. It was only a matter of time. The last time she'd cried this often, for this long, was back when John died. After she'd finally been all cried out, her emotions locked up and she felt nothing.
She was on the brink and she knew it.
"It's just business, you know," she heard Tay's voice suddenly behind her.
Startled, she wiped her face hurriedly and turned around. He stood, leaning into the doorway that led to the back of the bus. "Um, I know," she answered.
"So what's the problem?"
Was he serious? She didn't have the energy to fight him. "Nothing. Nothing, I'm okay."
"Mel, it's me. Come on."
"Is it?"
He walked over and sat next to her. "What does that mean?"
She glanced down at her hands nervously. "I don't know."
"You had to mean something by it or else you wouldn't have said it."
"You've changed," she said, abruptly.
Tay looked offended. "What? No I haven't."
"You have. You and I both know you have."
"Mel, I'm working. I'm sorry, but this is how I make my living."
"It has nothing to do with that." Mel turned away from him. "I shouldn't be here."
"Then why did you come?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. If looks could kill, he'd be dead. "For YOU. Because you practically begged me to come with you."
"So I had to beg for your support, is that it? You couldn't be here just because you wanted to be?"
"Are you seriously picking a fight with me right now?"
"I wanna know."
"You know how I feel about touring. You remember what happened last time we toured together?"
"Oh, but you can fly all the way to Ireland to visit Jason while HE works, and then all the way to LA to attend his movie premiere. You'll support HIM, but not me."
"Are you fucking serious? Are you? Are we SERIOUSLY coming back to that? You know what, sometimes I think you WISH I'd have ended up with him."
Tay sighed as his head fell into his hands. "No. I don't."
"So why do you say things like that?"
"I just--I don't know. Mel, I don't know. I don't know."
"I feel like we're falling back into the same old routine," she said. "Why can't we just be us? Tay and Mel, against the world. Why can't we just be happy, like that week at Coronado? That week was wonderful."
Tay looked over at Mel. "Are you not happy?"
"Are you?"
He stared back at her for a moment. "We're both really fucked up individuals, you know that?"
"Yeah. We are."
Tay sat back and sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.
"You have a show tomorrow night," she said. "You should be sleeping."
"I don't sleep without you. And you don't sleep without me, you ever notice that?"
Mel frowned as she remembered the bunks. "We're so screwed."
Tay's eyes darted around and then he stood up. "Hold that thought."
He darted to the back of the bus and returned in seconds, a blanket and pillow in hand. Making himself comfortable on the small sofa, he lay back and patted his chest, opening his arm for her. "Come here."
Obeying him, she curled up against him as he covered the two of them with the blanket and let his arm rest around her. "How's that?" he asked.
Mel found herself smiling for the first time that day. "I love you, she whispered.
He kissed the top of her head. "I love you more."
----------------------
The next day began as if nothing had happened. As if nothing had been said the night before, as if no concerns had been expressed. The overall mood of the bus was good and Taylor was excited for the first show. Mel loved to see him excited about working. It warmed her heart and it made her genuinely happy to see him happy.
They were a state away and the sun was hot. As Mel stepped off the bus, she couldn't help but to turn her face to the sky and smile as the sunshine hit her skin. They had hardly been on the bus 24 hours and she already didn't understand how people took sunshine for granted. She felt good and her energy was through the roof. She could have conquered the world that day, with Tay by her side.
The guys started their charity walk and Mel decided to join in. She walked amongst the crowd, keeping to herself, keeping silent. Nobody spoke to her, though most seemed to recognize her by now. She stayed in the back as she watched her fiancée deliver his mid-walk speech and she smiled in support as she watched and listened to him express his passion for the band's cause. His passion was just one of the many things she loved about him and in that moment, she couldn't have been more proud and inspired by him.
As the second half of the walk neared the end, she heard her name. "Melody! MELODY!"
Startled, Mel looked around until she spotted the waving, deja vu hitting her in the face. She smiled as she recognized Gypsy Eyes--Emily--waving at her, along with a few other of the familiar friends she'd made in Tulsa a couple of months prior.
Smiling, Mel made her way toward them as the group walked. "Hey, how are you guys?" she said, happy to see them and happy to be occupied. "Did you guys travel all this way just to come here?"
As the girls talked, Mel looked up and noticed Tay not so far ahead of her. She hadn't known he was there. He looked at the girls around her and then he glared at her before stopping and waiting for her to catch up.
She wasn't a fan of the look on his face when she approached him. He leaned down and said in her ear quietly, "They need your help up front."
She looked up at him, confused. "It was my understanding that I wasn't working while I was here."
"So, what, you think you're just gonna come along for the ride and not help out? You're needed up front. You know what, no. As a matter of fact, just meet me at the bus."
She glanced ahead of them at the front of the venue where the walk was ending. "Um--"
"What?" he muttered firmly.
Not wanting to cause a scene, she glanced around her, regretfully, and then back up at him. "Fine."
Saying goodbye to the girls from the fan group, she broke from the crowd and made her way to the bus. She was livid.
Mel hadn't known that Tay was behind her when she began to unlock the door to the bus. He took her by the arm. "Hey--"
She jerked her arm from his grip. "Don't you dare touch me." And then she opened the door and he followed her onto the bus.
"Don't--don't touch--Mel, what the hell is your problem?"
Once on the empty bus, she spun around. "MY problem? What the hell is MY problem? You fucking humiliated me!"
"Humiliated YOU?" He scoffed. "I tell you to do something and then you come back at me in front of my fans like you did? You think YOU'RE humiliated?"
"EXCUSE me? You TELL me to do something? Where is it, Tay? Where's all the goddamn help 'the front' supposedly needed from me?"
Tay ran a hand through his hair anxiously.
Shock washed over Mel's face. "You bastard. You BASTARD! This was an attempt to CONTROL me! You humiliated me because you didn't like me talking to those girls!"
"I told you how I felt about it."
"I don't give a shit. They're my friends!"
Tay scoffed a laugh, disgustingly. "Please. They're not your friends, Mel. They don't give a shit about you. They're only using you to get to me."
"Really? Did you hear them call YOUR name? Did you? No? Because they didn't. They wanted ME around. And the way you're acting right now, I wouldn't want you around, either!"
"Of course you don't want me around! You never want me around! You're always quiet and you never speak--you only spoke to me last night after I came to you and about last night--you sure as hell were cozying up to Zac pretty good, weren't you? Huh?"
"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING IGNORED ME, TAY! YOU IGNORED ME! You didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room! You didn't even ask how I was after I puked my guts up in the bathroom last night! So, yeah, I talked to Zac. Because Zac cares! Why, are you jealous? Are you jealous that Zac and I are so close? Are you jealous that Zac cares about me? MORE THAN YOU DO?"
"Don't you ever say anything that stupid to me ever again! Nobody cares more about you than I do!"
"No, Tay. Nobody cares about YOU more than you do! It's all about you. It always has been! I've sacrificed EVERYTHING for you! EVERYTHING!"
"Oh cut the act, Mel, stop being so goddamn melodramatic. You never did anything you didn't want to do and I never forced you!"
"I left New York for you! I gave up a job I loved at the Times for you! I gave up who I was to practice religion for you! I gave up Jason for you! And what have you done in return? Run my life! You picked out my home, you set our wedding date, you drive my vehicle, you dictate our vacations, you Google me when I'm out of town, you jump to conclusions, you don't trust me--Tay, why am I even here?"
Suddenly, she began darting around the bus, collecting things that belonged to her. Tay's eyes darted around as they followed her movements. "What the hell are you doing?"
"It is NOT a good idea for me to be on this bus, on this tour, anywhere near you right now. I don't even know who you are anymore and I can't take this! I'm taking the next flight home and I don't give a shit what you think about it!"
He took a step toward her. "YOU'LL LEAVE OVER MY DEAD BODY!"
Mel came back at him. "THEN SO BE IT!"
Impulsively she turned around and headed straight for the top drawer in the kitchenette and jerked it open, revealing a plethora of kitchen knives. Blindly grabbing for them, nicking her fingers along the way, she could only see red through the tears that welled up in her eyes. She forced herself not to cry as she erratically searched for just the right one.
As she lifted one out of the drawer, Tay came from behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her, one around her waist, the other hand gently holding the wrist with the knife in it. "Don't do it," he said gently into her ear. "But if you have to, do it because you love me. Not because you hate me."
Her tensed body began to release itself and she glanced at the knife she held in her hand. "I don't hate you," she whispered.
Ever so gently, he lifted the knife from her hand, laid it in the drawer, and closed it in front of her. "Tay?" she whispered again. "What's happening to us?"
Ignoring her question, he lifted both his arms and gathered her hair in his hands, moving it all to the side, off of her neck. Then he wrapped his arms back around her. "I love your hair," he whispered into her ear. "You have the most beautiful hair I've ever seen." He gently kissed her cheek by her ear before he continued. "I love your skin, how soft it is and how it intoxicates me when I breathe you in. I love the way you smile at me and I love the way you scrunch your nose up when you laugh. I love the way you scare me--I'm so afraid of you. I love how impulsive and unpredictable you are. I love the look in your eyes when you're angry--it's the same look you get when you're passionate about something. I love your incessant need to mouth the words to every song that you hear. I love the way you love everyone and everything. I love the way you stand up for what you believe in. I love how strong-willed and independent you are. I love the way you want me--the way you love me--the way you need me..."
"Tay..." she whispered over her shoulder. "What is this?"
"I never did read you my pros list. And that's not even putting a dent in it."
"I'm so confused--"
"It's easy, sweetheart. It's so easy. Do you have any idea just how much I love you?"
"I know."
"There is nobody on this earth who will ever love you as much as I do."
Mel found her eyes glancing around the parts of the bus that were in her line of vision. She and Tay both knew that wasn't true.
As if he felt the need to emphasize, he tightened his grip around her, a little suddenly, and said firmly into her ear, "NOBODY."
Releasing her breath, she gave in, responding with a mere, "I know."
MEL
Normally, this was the part where Mel called Jason.
She wasn't near stupid enough to tell him what had actually happened, but she would have called him. He would have talked reason into her and then everything would have been okay.
Except now she had nobody to turn to.
Taylor had tried to get into the room. He had knocked, pleaded, wiggled the knob--lord help him, he had tried. But she couldn't. She just couldn't let him in.
Mostly he apologized. She knew he was sitting on the floor outside the door. It was their normal stance when she locked herself in a room. And she only knew this because she could hear where his voice was in accordance to the door.
What had happened back there? It was almost like she didn't know who he was. Everything was great at first, and then--and then he just wouldn't listen. Truth be told, she would have been into it had it not started to hurt. When pain turned to fear, shit suddenly got real and she'd had enough. But he hadn't. He hadn't had enough. He had gone until he'd had enough, regardless of how she felt about it.
Had he raped her? By the technical definition of the term? Is that what had happened?
She decided he hadn't. He couldn't. He could never.
Never.
He sounded so pitiful out there. She wanted to let him in but part of her just couldn't bring herself to do it. She just couldn't. She had to figure this out. She didn't understand it. They were in their thirties now. They loved each other. This kind of thing didn't just HAPPEN anymore.
It was nearly three in the morning when she finally decided to unlock the door and step out of the room. She hadn't slept at all. She stood in the hallway in the dark apartment, quiet and still. She had no idea what to do next or why she even left the room to begin with.
Quietly, in her bare feet, she stepped carefully over the hardwood floor and into the living room. It was dark, but plenty of light flooded in through the curtainless, panoramic window as the moon over the East River painted a perfect portrait over the lights of the city.
Tay sat in the window seat. He looked out the window, his knees up, his ankles crossed underneath him. As his right elbow rested on his right knee, his left hand gently set the beer bottle down beside him. He didn't even turn around when she entered the room. "Have you slept?" he asked her.
"No," she answered quietly.
"Neither have I."
Mel didn't move. She fidgeted with her hands and then hugged herself as nervous chills produced goose bumps on her arms.
"It's beautiful out there tonight," he continued quietly, never moving, never turning around.
"It always is," she responded.
"The moon's full."
"That's not normal this time of the month."
"It is now."
"What is normal, Tay?"
Slowly and carefully, never turning around, he sipped his beer and set it back down. "I have no idea."
Despite his awkward seating position, he was beautiful in the moonlight. Mel knew that part of the reason why she didn't move immediately was because she only wanted to look at him. She could only see the back of his white t-shirt and his disheveled hair but it didn't matter. He had always been beautiful and he would remain beautiful until he was old and gray and then he'd be more beautiful then.
Finally, she quietly stepped closer, making her way toward the window where he was. "I think, maybe...maybe I didn't communicate so clearly...earlier...as I should have..."
"Doesn't matter," he said. "It would have happened the same way, regardless."
Carefully, she made her way next to him and took a seat with her back to the window. He didn't acknowledge her presence. As he reached for his beer, she stopped him by his wrist and removed the beer from his hand, replacing it with her own hand. His head dropped in front of him.
"Tay," she whispered. "Please look at me."
Finally, he turned his head. His eyes looked into hers amidst the moonlight. She reached up and softly touched his cheek. He closed his eyes and turned his face into her hand, kissing her palm. "Why are you still here?" he asked quietly.
"Because you're a good man."
"I'm a monster."
"You're perfect."
He scoffed lightly and turned his gaze back out the window.
Mel looked down at her now empty hands as he now placed both of his elbows on his knees, crossing his arms over them. Turning to the side, she turned her head to look out the window with him. "Full moon or not, it is beautiful out there."
"It always is," he said, reprising her comment from earlier.
"I remember the first time I got an aerial view of the city at roughly this altitude." She looked back at him as the moonlight shined on his face. "It was sitting next to you on the plane. You let me have the window seat because I'd never seen the city before."
Taylor didn't respond.
"Tay," she continued. "Are--are we okay?"
Finally he looked at her, glancing down at her hand as he took it in his. "Yeah," he answered. "Yeah. We're okay."
"I forgive you."
"You shouldn't."
"But I do."
"Why?"
"Because I love you."
He raised her hand to his lips and then he turned his attention back to the window.
"Come to bed," she whispered.
"I can't sleep."
"I couldn't, either, but as long as we're together we'll be okay."
He turned to look at her once more. "Okay."
And then he came down from his perch and allowed Mel to lead him into their bedroom.
-----------------------
Three weeks flew by FAST. At this point, the only reason Mel was even leaving with the guys was because she had already made a prior commitment to do so. After shutting up her luggage underneath and carrying on what she needed to have with her, she stepped onto the bus with a flood of memories coming back to her. Few of them good, most of them ones she didn't want to remember, and a couple that should have never happened.
Their first day would be spent on the road. They had a show the next day, but for today they traveled. She knew the first day on the bus would be unrelenting and she'd been right. It had been many years since the last time she found herself on a tour bus and her stomach wasn't having any of it.
Darkness had fallen when her stomach had given up hope. Taylor didn't even ask her if she was okay when she came out of the bathroom. As a matter of fact, he didn't even notice she'd left the room, apparently. When she came back, he was still deep in the exact same conversation he'd been in for the past hour with Isaac and the bassist.
As Zac sat and played his video game on the main screen in the common area, he eyed Mel as she walked past and took a seat alone near the window. Pausing his game, he turned around and looked over the sofa. "Hey. You okay?" he asked her.
She smiled and nodded at him.
Scooting over, he patted the seat next to him. "Come sit right here."
Glancing hesitantly over at Tay, who was still lost in his own world, Mel accepted Zac's offer, and changed seats. "You gonna be okay?" he asked her again.
"Yeah. I haven't been on a bus since the last time I toured with you guys."
"That's a long time."
Mel found herself glancing over at Tay again.
"He's all business when we come out like this," Zac said, as if on cue. "At least for the first part, anyway. Once he loosens up and we get used to it, it'll be okay. Don't worry."
"It's not the tour I'm worried about," she mumbled.
Finally, Zac relented his game controller to the table in front of him. "You wanna talk about it?"
Finally tearing her gaze away from her fiancée, she looked over at Zac and said quietly, "He's different."
"Different how?"
She shook her head. "I'm not sure."
"Are you guys fighting again?"
"Worse."
"Not speaking?"
"We're speaking, it's just like--it feels like giving up."
"Who's giving up?"
"I'm not sure..."
"Honestly? I think you're both nervous about the wedding. It's normal."
"I've been married before. It didn't feel anything like this."
"Well, it's different for everybody."
"I haven't bought his ring yet."
Zac looked at her in alarm. "Are you serious?"
"We get married in three months and I haven't even bought his ring yet. There is SO much left to do and--Zac, we haven't done ANYTHING pertaining to the wedding in almost a month."
"Mel..."
"Yeah..."
Zac sighed and propped his feet up on the table in front of him and rested his arm on the back of the sofa behind Mel's head.
"ZAC," Tay's voice suddenly came out of nowhere.
Startled, Zac looked around Mel at his brother. "Huh?"
"I think you're presence is needed in this conversation."
"I don't even know what you're talking about."
"All the more reason."
"Well, what we're talking about doesn't really have anything to do with him..." the bassist trailed off.
Tay kept his eyes glued on his brother. "It doesn't matter, I think we should all be on the same page at all times."
"Well, duty calls," Zac said to Mel as he changed seats.
Tay glared at him as he took a seat around the other table. Then he glanced at Mel before going back to his conversation.
She was so alone.
----------------------------
It was late. Extremely late. Everyone had gone to bed, including Taylor. Mel sat alone, in the common area, on a sofa by the window in the dark. All she did was cry lately. She was growing so exhausted of the crying. She cried constantly. Who cried this much? Who went through this much shit? She knew what would happen once she was all cried out. It was only a matter of time. The last time she'd cried this often, for this long, was back when John died. After she'd finally been all cried out, her emotions locked up and she felt nothing.
She was on the brink and she knew it.
"It's just business, you know," she heard Tay's voice suddenly behind her.
Startled, she wiped her face hurriedly and turned around. He stood, leaning into the doorway that led to the back of the bus. "Um, I know," she answered.
"So what's the problem?"
Was he serious? She didn't have the energy to fight him. "Nothing. Nothing, I'm okay."
"Mel, it's me. Come on."
"Is it?"
He walked over and sat next to her. "What does that mean?"
She glanced down at her hands nervously. "I don't know."
"You had to mean something by it or else you wouldn't have said it."
"You've changed," she said, abruptly.
Tay looked offended. "What? No I haven't."
"You have. You and I both know you have."
"Mel, I'm working. I'm sorry, but this is how I make my living."
"It has nothing to do with that." Mel turned away from him. "I shouldn't be here."
"Then why did you come?"
She narrowed her eyes at him. If looks could kill, he'd be dead. "For YOU. Because you practically begged me to come with you."
"So I had to beg for your support, is that it? You couldn't be here just because you wanted to be?"
"Are you seriously picking a fight with me right now?"
"I wanna know."
"You know how I feel about touring. You remember what happened last time we toured together?"
"Oh, but you can fly all the way to Ireland to visit Jason while HE works, and then all the way to LA to attend his movie premiere. You'll support HIM, but not me."
"Are you fucking serious? Are you? Are we SERIOUSLY coming back to that? You know what, sometimes I think you WISH I'd have ended up with him."
Tay sighed as his head fell into his hands. "No. I don't."
"So why do you say things like that?"
"I just--I don't know. Mel, I don't know. I don't know."
"I feel like we're falling back into the same old routine," she said. "Why can't we just be us? Tay and Mel, against the world. Why can't we just be happy, like that week at Coronado? That week was wonderful."
Tay looked over at Mel. "Are you not happy?"
"Are you?"
He stared back at her for a moment. "We're both really fucked up individuals, you know that?"
"Yeah. We are."
Tay sat back and sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.
"You have a show tomorrow night," she said. "You should be sleeping."
"I don't sleep without you. And you don't sleep without me, you ever notice that?"
Mel frowned as she remembered the bunks. "We're so screwed."
Tay's eyes darted around and then he stood up. "Hold that thought."
He darted to the back of the bus and returned in seconds, a blanket and pillow in hand. Making himself comfortable on the small sofa, he lay back and patted his chest, opening his arm for her. "Come here."
Obeying him, she curled up against him as he covered the two of them with the blanket and let his arm rest around her. "How's that?" he asked.
Mel found herself smiling for the first time that day. "I love you, she whispered.
He kissed the top of her head. "I love you more."
----------------------
The next day began as if nothing had happened. As if nothing had been said the night before, as if no concerns had been expressed. The overall mood of the bus was good and Taylor was excited for the first show. Mel loved to see him excited about working. It warmed her heart and it made her genuinely happy to see him happy.
They were a state away and the sun was hot. As Mel stepped off the bus, she couldn't help but to turn her face to the sky and smile as the sunshine hit her skin. They had hardly been on the bus 24 hours and she already didn't understand how people took sunshine for granted. She felt good and her energy was through the roof. She could have conquered the world that day, with Tay by her side.
The guys started their charity walk and Mel decided to join in. She walked amongst the crowd, keeping to herself, keeping silent. Nobody spoke to her, though most seemed to recognize her by now. She stayed in the back as she watched her fiancée deliver his mid-walk speech and she smiled in support as she watched and listened to him express his passion for the band's cause. His passion was just one of the many things she loved about him and in that moment, she couldn't have been more proud and inspired by him.
As the second half of the walk neared the end, she heard her name. "Melody! MELODY!"
Startled, Mel looked around until she spotted the waving, deja vu hitting her in the face. She smiled as she recognized Gypsy Eyes--Emily--waving at her, along with a few other of the familiar friends she'd made in Tulsa a couple of months prior.
Smiling, Mel made her way toward them as the group walked. "Hey, how are you guys?" she said, happy to see them and happy to be occupied. "Did you guys travel all this way just to come here?"
As the girls talked, Mel looked up and noticed Tay not so far ahead of her. She hadn't known he was there. He looked at the girls around her and then he glared at her before stopping and waiting for her to catch up.
She wasn't a fan of the look on his face when she approached him. He leaned down and said in her ear quietly, "They need your help up front."
She looked up at him, confused. "It was my understanding that I wasn't working while I was here."
"So, what, you think you're just gonna come along for the ride and not help out? You're needed up front. You know what, no. As a matter of fact, just meet me at the bus."
She glanced ahead of them at the front of the venue where the walk was ending. "Um--"
"What?" he muttered firmly.
Not wanting to cause a scene, she glanced around her, regretfully, and then back up at him. "Fine."
Saying goodbye to the girls from the fan group, she broke from the crowd and made her way to the bus. She was livid.
Mel hadn't known that Tay was behind her when she began to unlock the door to the bus. He took her by the arm. "Hey--"
She jerked her arm from his grip. "Don't you dare touch me." And then she opened the door and he followed her onto the bus.
"Don't--don't touch--Mel, what the hell is your problem?"
Once on the empty bus, she spun around. "MY problem? What the hell is MY problem? You fucking humiliated me!"
"Humiliated YOU?" He scoffed. "I tell you to do something and then you come back at me in front of my fans like you did? You think YOU'RE humiliated?"
"EXCUSE me? You TELL me to do something? Where is it, Tay? Where's all the goddamn help 'the front' supposedly needed from me?"
Tay ran a hand through his hair anxiously.
Shock washed over Mel's face. "You bastard. You BASTARD! This was an attempt to CONTROL me! You humiliated me because you didn't like me talking to those girls!"
"I told you how I felt about it."
"I don't give a shit. They're my friends!"
Tay scoffed a laugh, disgustingly. "Please. They're not your friends, Mel. They don't give a shit about you. They're only using you to get to me."
"Really? Did you hear them call YOUR name? Did you? No? Because they didn't. They wanted ME around. And the way you're acting right now, I wouldn't want you around, either!"
"Of course you don't want me around! You never want me around! You're always quiet and you never speak--you only spoke to me last night after I came to you and about last night--you sure as hell were cozying up to Zac pretty good, weren't you? Huh?"
"BECAUSE YOU FUCKING IGNORED ME, TAY! YOU IGNORED ME! You didn't even acknowledge my presence in the room! You didn't even ask how I was after I puked my guts up in the bathroom last night! So, yeah, I talked to Zac. Because Zac cares! Why, are you jealous? Are you jealous that Zac and I are so close? Are you jealous that Zac cares about me? MORE THAN YOU DO?"
"Don't you ever say anything that stupid to me ever again! Nobody cares more about you than I do!"
"No, Tay. Nobody cares about YOU more than you do! It's all about you. It always has been! I've sacrificed EVERYTHING for you! EVERYTHING!"
"Oh cut the act, Mel, stop being so goddamn melodramatic. You never did anything you didn't want to do and I never forced you!"
"I left New York for you! I gave up a job I loved at the Times for you! I gave up who I was to practice religion for you! I gave up Jason for you! And what have you done in return? Run my life! You picked out my home, you set our wedding date, you drive my vehicle, you dictate our vacations, you Google me when I'm out of town, you jump to conclusions, you don't trust me--Tay, why am I even here?"
Suddenly, she began darting around the bus, collecting things that belonged to her. Tay's eyes darted around as they followed her movements. "What the hell are you doing?"
"It is NOT a good idea for me to be on this bus, on this tour, anywhere near you right now. I don't even know who you are anymore and I can't take this! I'm taking the next flight home and I don't give a shit what you think about it!"
He took a step toward her. "YOU'LL LEAVE OVER MY DEAD BODY!"
Mel came back at him. "THEN SO BE IT!"
Impulsively she turned around and headed straight for the top drawer in the kitchenette and jerked it open, revealing a plethora of kitchen knives. Blindly grabbing for them, nicking her fingers along the way, she could only see red through the tears that welled up in her eyes. She forced herself not to cry as she erratically searched for just the right one.
As she lifted one out of the drawer, Tay came from behind her and gently wrapped his arms around her, one around her waist, the other hand gently holding the wrist with the knife in it. "Don't do it," he said gently into her ear. "But if you have to, do it because you love me. Not because you hate me."
Her tensed body began to release itself and she glanced at the knife she held in her hand. "I don't hate you," she whispered.
Ever so gently, he lifted the knife from her hand, laid it in the drawer, and closed it in front of her. "Tay?" she whispered again. "What's happening to us?"
Ignoring her question, he lifted both his arms and gathered her hair in his hands, moving it all to the side, off of her neck. Then he wrapped his arms back around her. "I love your hair," he whispered into her ear. "You have the most beautiful hair I've ever seen." He gently kissed her cheek by her ear before he continued. "I love your skin, how soft it is and how it intoxicates me when I breathe you in. I love the way you smile at me and I love the way you scrunch your nose up when you laugh. I love the way you scare me--I'm so afraid of you. I love how impulsive and unpredictable you are. I love the look in your eyes when you're angry--it's the same look you get when you're passionate about something. I love your incessant need to mouth the words to every song that you hear. I love the way you love everyone and everything. I love the way you stand up for what you believe in. I love how strong-willed and independent you are. I love the way you want me--the way you love me--the way you need me..."
"Tay..." she whispered over her shoulder. "What is this?"
"I never did read you my pros list. And that's not even putting a dent in it."
"I'm so confused--"
"It's easy, sweetheart. It's so easy. Do you have any idea just how much I love you?"
"I know."
"There is nobody on this earth who will ever love you as much as I do."
Mel found her eyes glancing around the parts of the bus that were in her line of vision. She and Tay both knew that wasn't true.
As if he felt the need to emphasize, he tightened his grip around her, a little suddenly, and said firmly into her ear, "NOBODY."
Releasing her breath, she gave in, responding with a mere, "I know."